An Introduction

It's been years since I've written something, but here goes nothing I suppose.

My name is Madison, I am 20 years old and I live in a small town in Canada. I've been in a relationship for the last five years of my life and have been managing a fast food chain for two.

I'm told I'm very understanding, empathetic and fun. I'm the one at parties with a flurry of inebriated females surrounding me confessing their sins. I don't know these women and their stories are none of my business, yet I'm still approached.

Now don't get me wrong, I love to help people and I feel deeply for their situations. But it forces you to be the strong person, the shoulder they cry on, the words of wisdom they need in these difficult times. The motherly figure if you will.

Well years of this and partying too young made me grow up pretty quickly and made me realize just how much I had kept inside all these years.

When I was 14 I was jumped in a public building, all of my friends were there, telling me they would never let anything happen to me...

They did, when all was said and done, they were gone, they had all left me.

This, in turn, caused me to become severely anxious and feel the need to hide inside all the time. I got into some drugs for a small portion of my teenaged years and was to a point where I did them in school. Too much of that and now I've dropped out and am studying online.

At least I was trying too. Being at home made it easier to procrastinate, to just put it off and never do it. I mean I had to wait days for a response from a teacher so what's the rush?

After about a year of that, as you probably assumed, I dropped it all together. When you put things off and let it pile up, it gets incredibly overwhelming, and as you can imagine it sent me a into a depressive state. I did not finish grade 10 and to this day I still have not graduated.

Back then, I thought I could fight my depression by getting a job and atleast earning something and keeping busy. Well, it worked for a while, but being so far behind my peers was always on my mind. At 15 I lost my first job after only 3 months and it took me a full year to push myself to find a new job.

It wasn't until I was 17 I got a job working part time at said fast food chain. I am deeply grateful for this job, I don't think I'll have one like it ever again.

In my first two months at this job I hit a very low point in my life, not having an education, not having a license and getting everyone around me to help me out. I took off 3+ weeks of work, I couldn't eat, sleep or bathe. I was a wreck. I lost 30+ pounds, I had panic attacks every night and slept on the couch for some sort of comfort for most of the duration. I got to a point where I'd beg my mom to sleep with me, so I wouldn't have to be alone. Too much of this though and now she's angry with me. It's all in your head, just stop already, you're 17 years old get it together, you're just an attention seeker.

I shut myself in even more, I didn't exactly have friends who knew the severity of my anxiety and depression, so I couldn't talk to anyone. My boyfriend has always been very supportive but can't help me every time.

I'm alone at this point, trying to find the will to keep going. My bedroom, looking like an episode of hoarders, laundry piled high, dishes and rotting food surround my bed. As much as I hate to look at it, I did nothing.

About a year later I've worked my way up to a manager position at my job, and am still making just over minimum wage. I should be feeling accomplished, or something, but that's not the case. I'm starting to resent my job and hate my coworkers and every aspect of the job. But I stick with it. I'm getting older and I need to move out of my house, I need to buy a car and I need to finish school.

I take a vacation to Mexico with the love of my life and family. Should be relaxing and fun, right?

I spend almost every night puking and having major panic attacks. It's my boyfriend's first time out of the country and I'm ruining it with my own anxiety. I'm on a beach in Mexico and I can't relax or be happy, what is wrong with me?

Shortly after the trip I've got my license and can drive on my own. I have $10,000 saved up and am ready to buy a car.

I did feel very accomplished and proud of my success, that was until the payment and insurance came out of my bank account.

This was 4 months ago and I haven't been able to save more than a grand since.

We had a goal to move out by this winter, I don't think that's going to happen.

Cutting to now, August 2017. I just jumped out of a plane and am seeing life a whole new way. I'm still riddled with anxiety and depression, I still can't eat properly. But I am determined to be something, to travel and to live freely!

I don't want kids and I refuse to be stuck in a small building almost every day of my life.

This is a small glimpse into my life and why I'm here, I'm considering a YouTube channel for myself so I can more easily share my journey with you guys.

I hope some people have found this mildly relatable and maybe it helped you a little. But stay tuned as writing this felt very nice and I think I'll do this more often!