An Open Letter to My Attacker/s

I’m writing this to you, the ones who have forgotten about me, who walk past me on the street & who do not remember who I am or what you did. The hard part being that you had completely forgotten me & 12 years on, I haven’t forgotten a thing. I’m almost certain you’ll never read this but try to remember me...

We were all at the local water meadows, it was the end of summer, rumours had spread about me sleeping with a couple of boys. That rumour spread like the plague & truth is that never even happened, to this day I’ve never been with a boy.

You believed a jealous, spoilt little brat who was so jealous of me stealing her friend, that she thought rumours & threats would stop me. Yes, she was right, she sent you. An intimidating 16-year-old with crappy blonde hair & a monroe piercing. I still dream about your blue eyes & that piercing of yours. Just let me remind you that those dreams are not pretty, neither are you to be honest. You haunt my dreams even now, you make me feel so awful about myself even through a dream. I mean how dare you have this power over me, how can my mind want to replay the one thing that makes me want to kill myself?

I tried to kill myself you know? My grandad died 2 two weeks after what you did. I couldn’t cope, I didn’t go to school, I woke up at 5:32am almost every morning after with the stinging on my back & the non-stop tears down my face. (The stinging feeling is from when you pushed me backwards into stinging nettles, I guess you wouldn’t remember that though right?) I tried to overdose on anti-depressants, I wanted the nightmares to stop, the bullies who kept sending taxis to my door, the nerves I still feel leaving the house in fright I might see you.

But lucky for me a TV ahow came on & engulfed my entire concentration. I lived another day unfortunately.

How can you live? How does it feel? I’ll never get answers because if I stepped into a room with you, one of us wouldn’t be alive.

I have all of you blocked on any form of social media, not that you care.

I’ve seen you all around, I was crying my eyes out with suicidal thoughts running through my mind & there you were, with your little girl, happy as can be. Why do you deserve to be happy? I wasn’t the only one you attacked, you’re an aggressive troll.

One of you even came through my till where I worked one time & said “Didn’t I go to school with you?” Like seriously? I honestly couldn’t believe that after all you did, grabbing my arm & making me stay for what was one of the worst days of my life.

Now one of you is engaged to an old friend, you blocked me in on a bridge & you get to have a nice girl forever. You don’t deserve her.

I sound so spiteful I know, but wouldn’t you be if the shoe was on the other foot? 12 years I’ve suffered with depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, 2 suicide attempts, 3 loved ones lost, & yet you remain as real as yesterday.

Do you remember when you came to the wake of my grandad? You were only there because your parents knew my family. But you ruined the grieving process for me a 2nd time. Does it make you happy that I haven’t coped?

I spent 3 years only going to school & coming straight back home again. That was if I went to school, I was bullied by you all. I was lucky I even passed my GCSEs, I lost all my friends, lost my confidence, lost that size 10 figure I had & now I’m a size 16-18 because I comfort ate through all the bad days.

I thought you were going to drown me when you asked if I could swim, I’ve never felt fear like it. Of course, I went into shock & laughed my way through the rest of the attack but that should have stopped you. HA, I still remember how you were so concerned with the bruises on your upper arms I caused when you were pushing me into the stinging nettles. You’re a pathetic excuse for a human.

Don’t give second chances, I learned. One of you asked me for forgiveness for god sake, over Facebook too? Didn’t have the balls to say it to me.

Growing up & making it to today, 25 years old. It’s been 12 years, I’m letting go slowly but that doesn’t get you’re off the hook. EVER!

I win though, cause looks who’s still standing! I’m laughing, loving, & becoming a much stronger human being. I have the power to not let you scare me, the dreams still happen but that’s PTSD for you.

Anywayyyyyy, I now have a life to attend to & this will be the last letter I ever send your a** (thank you Eminem for those lyrics). Just know, you will NEVER be forgiven but I’ll forget you all. This letter is me taking control and to say...

F*** YOU AND F*** WHAT YOU DID.

(Drops microphone.)