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I would just like to preface that this is my real diary that I have kept for several years. As a person who has experienced many different mental health issues within that time, I find it interesting to go back to where it all started. I've also realized how helpful it is for people to see a glimpse of what certain disorders are actually like—no dramatization included.
This specific portion outlines the progression of my eating disorder over so many years that contributed to so much self hatred, physical, and mental health problems, an eventual suicide attempt, hospitalization (where I faced the threat of having my visitation taken away if I refused to eat), an abusive relationship, etc.
There is no beautiful aura that surrounds this kind of lifestyle—and yes, it consumes an individual's life to the point where it becomes their way of living and/or surviving—and that is what I want to stress to people who are approaching a downward spiral. I know that this will help at least one person in some small way so I feel all right sharing this.
I hope you get something positive out of this.
13 Years Old
"My life has definitely changed for the better :) Ive lost 12 lbs since last time I wrote in this!! (certain weight-lower weight) I'm happy... but I don't know if I'm fat or not. (censored name of bully at school) tells me I am every day, but I mean he sucks ya know. School suckkks too. Anyways see ya."
*2 years later I wrote "he was right LMAO" under the entry
14 Years Old
"The first day of second semester and there's no school. I'm currently crying by myself. It's like my mind is screaming out all my flaws, and it won't stop it. I keep trying to see myself in the best light possible, but it's not working. I've been cutting myself off from people at school who make me feel so much worse, because they like to call me fat and ugly a lot. That doesn't feel good. Hahaha. For some reason none of that comes up in counseling. I don't know how 2 deal."
*1 year later I wrote "bc ur worthless dude" underneath
15 Years Old
- "I feel more present now. Like I have a place, not a purpose though. I don't believe I have any reason for being here. I just am. I'm free 2 do as a please I guess that's the only good part. The bad part is I still hate myself. Thats super fun."
- "I feel like I wasted a lot of interesting/important thoughts by waiting so long to write in this again, but at least I tried. I think my life is going downhill bc of all the bad thoughts I have about myself so often, and I think I'm getting fat. WHO am I kidding—fatTER."
16 Years Old
- "I just got out of the hospital, and I hate them all so much for getting me put in there. They threatened me actually, which made me even madder. Saying that if I didn't eat then they'd take away my visiting hours. It's stupid how they think garbage cans and toilets don't exist tho. And who eats all of that shit anyways. Buncha privilege in there I guess."
- "I cant eat without crying anymore haha thats funny."
17 Years Old
- "I think ed is coming back with a vengeance. I was okay for a little while but now I'm in that spiral again of not wanting to live unless I feel empty. I don't know why my brain is broken but there's not much I can do to fix it now. I'm in too deep."
- "Here's all the things ed has made me do for the last couple of months: not eat more than 200 calories, religiously count cals, spit out EVERYTHING (even in public sometimes bc I can't risk absorbing it), etcetcetc."
- "Somehow in the last six months I've lost around 50 pounds, which is really nice. Probably due to how fat I was to begin with. I still feel that way TBH, but that's good for me so I don't turn back to that shit life. I can't ever be like that again. I still hate myself but in a different way."
- "I can tell it's working because of all the pictures I've taken to see my progression, as well as the fact that my vision goes either blurry or completely black for a second when I'm standing up or climbing stairs. It's not a good feeling and I can't concentrate or stay awake for shit now but it's worth it just to not feel horrible about myself."
- "I panicked over eating a cracker today, and spit it out into a napkin and threw it out during a class. It was way earlier than I usually allow myself to eat in the day and 20 cals is 20 cals dude."
- "I snuck out to smoke three cigarettes in a park today, and it made me feel a lot better. I read somewhere that each one burns off at least 10 calories. I'm not sure about the accuracy of that, but it makes sense I guess. That's a big enough chunk of my daily limit so its worth it to me at this point in my life."
- "I'm still struggling with ed right now even though I let myself dissociate from my own mind and body for a while. I feel a little better, but not being constantly dizzy and tired is uncomfortable to me now. I also got my period back, which is terrifying honestly. It was gone for at least eight months and now it's just reminding me of how much fatter i'm going to be if I keep up this bullshit."
18 Years Old
- "So tonight is a bad night. Realizing that ed recovery means a nearly 20 lbs weight gain is quite difficult to deal with. That's it honestly, 18 years of life, and I'm sitting on my floor crying just like 16 year old me. This is gross. I feel fat and gross."
- "You're getting fat again. The only reason people don't talk to you or like you anymore is because you're fat—again. You need to stop being so greedy and disgusting and give it up. You're not healthy and you never will be. Just stop eating for heavens sake."
19 Years Old
- "I'm quickly falling back into my old eating disorder habits, which I'm so sickly happy about. I drifted away from them for a year now so I'm terrified to weigh myself before I restrict for a while at least."
- "I'm so fat I feel like that's all people see when they look at me. I'm pretty sure that's been true throughout my whole life actually. Just a gross shell of a human being."
- "It's really messed up that I'm so scared for people to notice my weight gain from recovery, so I'm fully going back into it. Not by choice but I definitely have more motivation to change everything about myself. Full force. I thought it was an awful way to live, but being fat isn't worth my health. That's just how it is. That's how my brain works after what... six years?"
- "I've been able to restrict for a while now, but I can see how hard it actually is to stay on top of other things in life alongside a horrible eating disorder voice. My mind just gets so centered around the shit going on in my brain that it stops me from doing anything else well. I'm just always reminding myself that it's worth everything just to be able to look at a picture and not cry. Maybe I'll actually have a relationship in the future if I accomplish that as well. Not hating myself helps with the pursuit usually."
- "It's really not good enough yet. I need to get back to where I was at 17 so I can drop another 50lbs+ that's what I need at the moment to keep going.
- "I am truly so tired of this."
20 Years Old
"It's been maybe seven years, and I finally opened up to my therapist completely. I told him everything. I'm seeing a nutritionist. I'm just too tired to continue with the shit going on in my head. This might be over soon."