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God I think I am the poster child for anxiety.
And the worst part is I don't think I even realized how much anxiety I had. Thank god I just realized how much anxiety I have. In reality, I don't even think that I was meant to do that well in school I just have so much mother f*cking anxiety for the future that I work hella hard. I hardly even think my anxiety levels are healthy. But I mean I do well in school. But I don't even need anxiety to do well in school. I don't think anxiety is even healthy in the first place. I'm not even sure where all of my anxiety comes from. I think it comes from my mom. She always has über anxiety, and her mother does too, and my great-grandmother probably did too. Anxiety about everything under the sun. It is so not healthy. If you want to know what anxiety looks like, anxiety is the little man on my shoulder always questioning my every move, every motive.
Hmmm... that boy is looking at you. What does he want? Does he want a relationship? To have sex. My god, you have never even talked to him. What should you do? Should you look at him? Smile? Look away? Look down? Pretend you didn't notice? Pretend you do notice? How do you not hurt his feelings if you don't like him? Do you strongly friendzone him? Do you ignore him? Am I leading him on right now? Am I hurting his feelings?
And by the end of that 5-minute string of thought my brain is basically fried and I can't do anything. Now imagine that thought process for like everything I do. Holy mother f*cking shit.
So I am giving myself ten more minutes to write before I get back to doing my homework.
I'll end at 8:50.
The thing that I can't figure out is why I get so f*cked up in the head when a boy likes me. I mean it should be flattering? Right? The opposite can't be more true. I basically get an anxiety attack and then I start to question my life. I mean, I guess it should make me flattered. The truth is I really don't like attention/the spotlight on me, so when a boy likes me I mean the mother f*cking spotlight is basically shining right on me.
Yesterday I submitted my UC app. It was super procrastinatory. I blame the fact I really don't want to go to a UC so I've basically been working on all the other college supplements except UCs.
Good News: I'm basically done with all of my other college supplements.
Bad News: I think I lost my mom's trust about how on-top of my college process I am.
I haven't been sleeping super well which means I've been eating more junk lately, ewww.
Ms. Lllamams in the car was talking about how she thinks it's sad that kids as young as Clara and I have sleep problems. I mean I can't actually remember when I wasn't "tired" or didn't have sleep problems. Ehhh. Oh well.
I really think I need to edit my thinking to only the things that I can control because when I don't I just basically end up thinking of everything.
And that is messsyyyy.
Anyways, this blog article is getting super random so I'm going to quit. But not quite.
I've been getting interested in finances lately. This kid in my class that I think likes me because he has stared at me for the past year and a half in math class is the president of the club. I think I might be inciting sexuality in children if I go. Even if I am interested in finances I probably shouldn't go. I really just want a lowkey way to talk to him without anything else. Like any weirdness. But we don't sit near each other in math so there is no way that is getting to know him that way.
Maybe I should just go. I can already see me flirting with him for the whole lunch time. Or I could not go. And just endure his silly staring for another year and a half. Damn.