Anxiety

I am newly diagnosed. I already had an inkling that I had anxiety but, until I had the label, I never thought of it as such a big deal. The doctor put me on normal beta blockers. At a pretty low dose. I have pretty low blood pressure and beta blockers can lower your blood pressure so in my case jumping into taking them 3 times a day wasn’t the best option. The doctor also suggested that I go and take counselling.

My family doesn't really deal with this kind of stuff how you would expect a big loving family to deal with it. I think that’s because most of them have been lucky enough not to suffer from and kind of mental disorder. A lot of my family have the get a "hold of yourself and smile" attitude towards life. They always said I was more negative and to just change how I think… But I never could. Now we know why. My mum thinks so “black and white” that I was actually worried to tell her. Of course she wasn’t even almost as bothered as I thought.

I am no good at remembering to take tablets and as a result sometimes miss a few days of the tablets. This turned into a bigger deal more recently as I have developed new habits. Such as needing to wash my hands or arms if people touch me or freaking out beyond reason if dirt gets on me. I am actually a very messy person. My room's never neat and I am always losing my things. So people seeing me freak out at dirt obviously confuses them. This is becoming an issue mostly because I share a room with my boyfriend. He is also I pretty messy person, as most men are. I never used to get too stressed at him about the mess or anything else but now it feels like it doesn’t matter how much I clean up, everywhere is still mucky. Logically I know the difference between muck and mess. You can be unorganised and still clean. However, lately the mess feels more like dirt and the dirt feels more and more overwhelming.

The more I think, the worse it all seems to feel. The more I try talk to people about it, the less I seem to be able to say. The more I try to live how I want, the more it seems pointless. I read something online a while back that made me want to think differently but it ultimately went back to normal. I read about a girl's fight with depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. She said she went to a therapist and they asked how often she had suicidal thoughts and she said basically all the time, every hour of everyday. Then they asked how serious she thought the suicidal thoughts were. When I read this I thought that those questions were almost the same and that the answer would be that she said 10 out of 10 a problem. Then I thought well I have these thoughts all the time but I would say its only a 2 out of 10 problem. As I read more, this girl said the same as me. She said she didn’t think it was a serious issue at all. The therapist said, but you just told me you think about dying pretty much all the time but you don’t think that’s a problem. This girl had become so accustomed to these thoughts that she didn’t see the issue. Even though I read it and thought it was an issue for someone else, I still didn’t see it as an issue for myself.

I know the title was anxiety and if you didn’t was to read about suicidal thoughts as well I am sorry. However, a lot of the time these things coincide. You can feel worthless and dramatic due to anxiety and you can smile and laugh all at the same time. Most people are aware that just because some people don’t seem to have anxiety or other mental illnesses doesn’t mean they don’t and to look for little things. In my case, a lot of people were surprised but others kind of expected it and were glad I had finally gone to my doctor. I was supposed to go back but I never saw the point. I hardly felt better and I see the point in nothing but, that is exactly why I should go back. Now I just need the strength to actually go and to talk.

So even if you aren’t sure or don’t see the point. What harm can a little check-up be?