Anxiety

Anxiety. My best friend. I don’t say this because I love him. I say this, because he’s always been there. Through every. Single. Moment. That I can remember. Anxiety has been there. I just didn’t always quite know who or what he was.

When I was little, I didn’t know he had a name. Just that I was always nervous, about any and every little thing. Especially around my parents and other adults I didn’t really know. Even though I had amazing and understanding parents, the need to not upset them was intense. I was terrified to do anything wrong. The thought of making them upset or angry with me would send a terrible feeling to the pit of my stomach and instantly make my hands sweaty.

Now it’s time for kindergarten and, of course, Anxiety goes with me, just like he always does. The thought of talking to all these teachers and kids that I don’t know... it physically makes me sick. After a while though, anxiety calmed down. He let me make friends and play with other kids. After taking years to adjust... we go to middle school.

I’d never know Anxiety to act the way he did on our first day of middle school. He was screaming at me as we walked through the doors, “you know you can’t do this,” “just go home. You're not good enough.” He was harder to maintain here and it always felt like people were looking at me. Like they could hear the things he would whisper in my ear.

By the time we got to high school, I had a better idea of just who Anxiety was, and what he was capable of. The first few weeks were brutal. “Those boys will never look your way,” “You are absolutely disgusting. No guy will ever ask you to prom,” “You are a joke. They all know it.” I didn’t know that Anxiety could get anymore cruel than he had been. He was awful. I finally talked to my parents. What if there was a pill... something that could make Anxiety calm down, and not hate me so much? “You don’t need any medication. You're just shy, that’s all." That thrilled Anxiety. He fed off of it. “They don’t care about you. It doesn’t matter if you're happy." In fact, some days Anxiety made me question if it was worth it. If life was worth it... and that’s when I met Depression. Between the two, having constant battles in my brain, I was always exhausted. Always ready to give up. They were constantly there, telling me what to do, when to do it. It was mentally exhausting.

Every time I got to a stage in my life where I thought Anxiety was going to calm down, he only seemed to intensify. Towards the end of my senior year, I got pregnant. So many thoughts rushed through my head, and Anxiety was the one sending them to me. "Look. You are just another statistic," "You are going to be a terrible mother," "No one wants to hang out with a teen mom." The one that really got to me the most though was, "You can't even take care of yourself. Do you really think you are gonna be a good parent to another human being?" I had always wanted to be a mom, which I know seemed crazy being that young. It was true though. I loved kids, and I was honestly beyond excited when I found out. Anxiety just made it difficult.

What was worse than Anxiety lying to me all the time, though, was when Anxiety was right. That boy that Anxiety said never really wanted me. The boy that Anxiety said would find someone better. The boy that Anxiety said was too good for me... and the boy that said they would never leave, did. Depression and Anxiety hit hard, and still, I was told I didn't need any medication. "People deal with these kinds of things everyday. You are fine." I almost gave in, and gave them exactly what they wanted. Depression told me daily, I needed to end it, and Anxiety encouraged it, but was just as afraid as I was. Somehow though, I made it. I kept going, and ignored them as much as I could. I had to, because I knew Anxiety was lying, like he always did, and I knew I was going to be there for my daughter.

When I got into a relationship with my current boyfriend, I discovered that he was no stranger to Anxiety and Depression either, and somehow that comforted me, because I could comfort him. I knew how to deal with it better and we helped each other through everything. Even together, Anxiety and Depression aren't as strong as we are, as a family. He makes even my darkest days brighter, and is such an amazing person.

As a young adult, Anxiety is still here. He makes it hard to go places alone, or speak for myself. But everyday, it gets a little easier. I have come to realize, though, that Anxiety is not my best friend. Not my friend at all. Just the enemy within myself.