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There I am sitting at home or in my car (by myself) getting ready to do days work, miserably hating the start of my day for whatever reason, and what makes it worse is that I'm alone with only my thoughts to keep me company and then I start to wonder, "what do people think about me?"and try to imagine what goes on in there mind when they look at me. Do they like who I am as a person? am I being annoying? Are they just putting up with me because that's the easiest option, and they are just to nice to say otherwise?
On so many countless occasions (more times than not), these types of thoughts and ideas go rushing through my head like a freight train that's had its break lines cut and heading towards a dead end, and what sucks is as much as I try to not let my thoughts get the best of me, they somehow find a way to control my life. "Don't let it bother me", I tell myself when talking to a stranger and they have said something that has gotten under my skin. "They don't know me, "don't take it personal, how could you, THEY DON'T KNOW YOU" I repeatedly think to myself! It's just a random persons thought of you with no baseline to go off of. But, what is crippling, for me at least, is when those thoughts go through my head and I'm with my family and friends. How I think they perceive me bothers me if I believe that they see me in any type of negative light.
Here's an example of how my mental state can instantly be overwhelmed with depressing thoughts. I'll be scrolling through social media and mindlessly reading random things that interest me, then BAM! Up comes pictures of some family event going on and yet... no invite to that so-called event. I think to myself "I thought we were close". Now one post of picture from a family event that you weren't invited to is nothing to get upset or even worried about. "You are not everyone's entire world" I think to myself, they have lives and a friends and other family members too. They also have work and other responsibilities so one missed event is no big deal I can't be selfish. Weeks, maybe even a few months go by and still no invite to anything. So I decide to be proactive and instead of waiting for someone to call me to hangout, I would just call them instead. Calling them also eliminates them using the excuse " Well the phone goes both ways" as a reason as to why we didn't spend time together. So the phone rings and they answer, small talk was made and eventually I ask when is the next time we are going to hangout again? It's funny to me how what always seems to be the answer is "uhh... I don't know I have to see how this week is going to go", or "I can't today but this weekend I call you".
Well as expected the weekend comes by and no call at all! I didn't want to seem pushy or needy so I decided to not call and bug them again. Yet I wait and NOTHING, no call, no text, not even a pigeon with a scroll saying not this weekend. Now I get it, sometimes, things happen and plans have to be changed. But all I ask for is some sort of notification saying not today, so I don't feel blown off like candles from grandmas birthday cake. Some time goes by, a few weeks I assume and all of a sudden, more picture come up with family and there fun time together " WHAT THE HELL" I say out loud in frustration and disappointment. Which then, in turn makes me start questioning myself like whats wrong with me? did I do something wrong? did I piss someone off? do they just not like me as a person? We used to be so close and now it seems that I only seem them on national holidays.
On a constant basis I tent to fight with myself about my own thoughts, I worry myself sick so much sometimes that I get into a deep depression, and then other times, I try to convince myself that I'm overreacting and that its all my head. I tend to play the "Devil's Advocate" and play the current scenario in my head thinking, "ohh...they never called because they got busy and forgot"! "I've completely forgotten things before, due to a lot on my mind"! On the other hand...did they not want spend time with me, and just used " I forgot", as an excuse? All while in that moment contemplating all the things that have gone wrong in your life and why you feel like you've failed at more things in life than not.
A lot of times, most days, my thoughts tend to go in the wrong direction emotionally thinking about all my imperfections. I just choose not to show it, ever! I don't need anything else on my plate for people to feel pity on me, so when around family I try and keep a smile on my face. Lets fast forward a bit to this past holiday, I spent some much needed quality time with the family and few days later I go and chill with some family members of mine and talk about hanging out the next day as well. I said "OK cool I'll text you tomorrow'", and the next day I texted them and to my surprise they tried to cancel with what seemed to be an iffy excuse. Which in turn, makes me self conscious like " was that just their excuse to not see me today day? "well they could very well be telling the truth, and if plans had to be changed than, OK cool no worries". But I start to play the "Devil's Advocate" in my head AGAIN, and thought "well if it is me then maybe I can bring over some food and some beer and make sure everyone has a good time so they won't regret inviting me in the future".
I show up and things seemed good, well at least to me, and then Someone says you know what I like you your a cool guy no matter what (we'll call her "Susan") said about you before you got here. They both laugh, so I grin a little and keep watching the game and that's when those terrible thoughts come crashing into my head again like, "was that a joke to just give me sh!t or did the other person say some things in a negative light because they were aggravated that I still came over but was to nice of a person to say so". I mean they seemed happy to see me, was that all an act. that tiny small joke of a comment put me down mentally and there was nothing I could do about it, the negative feelings of emotion started off slow and gradually picked up speed and seemed to have a "heaviness" to it, almost like it was cultivating mass at a steady pace. I tried not to let it bother me but once again my anxiety ridden self had to overthink things.
Now I didn't want my negative thoughts ruining my night and in turn, ruining theirs so I keep smiling, try to enjoy the rest of the night and few hours later left to go home. Its been a few day now but I can't seem to get it out of my head. Now those few examples may not seem like anything to get worked up about, and even though they are not what some people call quarter size problems, One hundred of these penny size problems still equal that dollar amount of unbearable negativity in my head that makes me anxiety ridden and mentally paralyzed. If only I could be a fly on the wall to see and hear what my friends and family say when I'm not around. To see how they really feel about me. I want to know all of it, the good and the bad, not to hold it against them but I guess to fix myself and see what it is that I'm doing wrong. If its something negative than maybe I can fix it and make myself a better person. Or it could just be me, inside my own head, being my own worst critic, and making a mountain out of a mole hill? Being that fly on the wall would relieve so much frustration and anxiety that maybe, I could actually go a whole day without some sort of internal mental breakdown that I keep to myself on a daily basis. If only I had wings, If only I were that fly.