Psyche logo

Anxiety and Depression Ruined My Life, Now I'm Taking It Back

It took me over 15 years to fully acknowledge it.

By Michael JonesPublished 7 years ago 3 min read
1
The grey clouds have been lifted. For now. (That photo is one of my own.)

It is something that has taken me a long time to fully acknowledge, I had always tried to play it down or shrug it off. I've often mentioned in passing my struggles with anxiety and my depressive moods, but I cannot recall a scenario where I went into great detail about it. More often than not, I just brushed it off with the admirable, if sometimes misguided, stoicism society tends to encourage. Even in 2017, talking about mental health still appears to be a stigma. It's hard to admit you're struggling, let alone tell another human being or a group about it, putting yourself out there, allowing yourself to be vulnerable is extremely daunting. Also, people generally do not want to hear anything other than "positive vibes only," it's less of a hassle to say you're okay and put a brave face on things, even if it's just for show.

I have had mental health problems since my teens. Depression is something that has been there since around the age of 13, but I didn't really think it was anything out of the ordinary at the point, I just assumed it was the standard teenage hormones and feelings, and the anxiety and depression involved was a "normal" thing. But ten years ago, I began to realise it was quite the opposite, and it really started to affect me to a level that would limit my quality of life. I had just started university and was struggling with the stress of the workload, the new chapter of life as well as the back and forth travel, and the symptoms began to become more prevalent and obvious, one day I woke up and something felt wrong, I had noticed a few things that hadn't been right for months, but on this occasion, I knew it was something else. I felt nauseous, my chest was tight, my legs were like jelly, there was no escape this time, life just got on top of me. And this was a regular occurrence over the next few months, panic attack after panic attack, becoming agoraphobic, avoiding social situations and places where I was too far from home and safety, fearful something bad was just around the corner.

Eventually, I was diagnosed with panic disorder, and whilst it was a relief to finally know what was wrong, I knew it would affect me for life. CBT was suggested along with a low dosage of some medication, but I was reluctant to take medication and I lost interest in the CBT, but things got better, I began to felt less anxious, the stress was reduced, I felt relatively "normal" again and for the next 18 months or so, on the whole, I was okay and I didn't really pay any attention to it. But eventually something had to give. As the anxiety lifted, the depression aspect of GAD began to kick in more...

Anyway, between that point and now, and to refer to the title, anxiety and depression has ruined me. It's affected my life more than I wish it had. I've lost jobs, lost friendships, didn't take opportunities; it's stopped me from doing some of the things I've always wanted to do. I've felt the wide range of emotions associated with depression and anxiety along the way, and for a while, I felt bitter and angry because of it.

Now, the process to get my life back has truly begun. Over the last 12 months, I've begun to acknowledge it more, I've been trying to be less guarded and talk about it in more detail as well as finding solutions instead of burying my head in the sand. It's something I should have done years ago, but I guess it's better late than never. I anticipate, maybe even welcome the teething problems that will come with it. Whilst this is not the story I would have liked to accompany my life, I am slowly becoming more accepting to the hand I have been dealt. I aim to be more open, more content with myself, not so concerned with what people think of me.

I will win.

coping
1

About the Creator

Michael Jones

29. intj. avid reader. beer advocate. mental health warrior. free thinker. amateur photographer. casual writer. bearded. mcr.

instagram:mrjonesmcr/twitter:@Electr_O_Pura_

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2024 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.