Anxiety Battle

I am always with you. I am the voice that sits in the back of your head when your trying to sleep at night. I am the one that tells you to bite your nails when you’re in crowed rooms. I do not care that you need to be up at 3 AM for work, I do care about getting your mind racing, and as your speeding through the things you did or didn’t do during the course of your day, I am going to remind you that you are overweight and you didn’t lose any baby weight.

When you finally close your eyes and found a way to hush my motor mouth, I will be there in the morning while you are putting on your makeup. I am the thing that looks back at you telling you that your ugly and you shouldn’t have bought that shade of pink lipstick. I am the voice of all things scary, I am the voice of worry, and the voice of regret. When you are having a good day, I find a way to devalue you, I find a way to make your heart race and mind wonder into dark woods. I am nothing but everything at the same time. I have one goal and that is to make you feel worthless, I make you cry in the kitchen while you're cooking dinner, or maybe I will make you sit on the bathroom floor and cry while you shower. That is my favorite spot because nobody can hear your cries. They are muffled from the sound of the water flowing and the kids playing outside the door.

I make you crabby and irritable, some days you want to crawl out of your skin. I watch you panic in parking lots when you know you must go into a store. I love when you choke back tears trying to recall all the bills you paid. I am given power daily. One time I though you had me, I thought for sure you were going to get rid of me but then you fell right back into my loving arms.

I am your husband’s nightmare, nothing he says or does helps sometimes. He tries to understand what makes you so upset, and you can’t get the words out to tell him because your sobbing in his arms. He loves you and he never breaks or gets weary, everything he does is for you. He stands by you so effortlessly, that makes me angry. He can take the worst day I have ever given you and toss it away. He is the only thing that stands in my way of fully taking you away with me into a black lonely abyss. He engulfs you with so much love, hope, and joy. It makes me sick, and I then wonder if one day you will just poof me away. If your husband could grow wings, I think he would, he has noticed the small things that make you sad and combats them one by one. He has in fact heard the cries in the shower and keeps you company. He noticed your chewed finger nails and gave you money to get them done. I hate that, as you won’t bite them if they are painted beautifully. Your mind will start to fill with thoughts of summer and suddenly I am starting to become a minor issue. Your husband is now my fear. He notices small things about how you view yourself and builds you up and makes you feel amazing. You are looking at your gross chubby body as an altar, after all you did have two beautiful kids with him.

Your husband is your light in the dark. For once I am the one wondering what is wrong with me. He holds you close at night because he knows I am there just waiting to take hold of you. He cannot allow you to dwell in dark pits and loneliness. He knows the battle cry I sing, and he just stands so tall with his invisible shield next to you.

I am anxiety and I will never fully go away. I am always there, I am sitting there while you drive to and from work, I am the silence you hate. I am the sleepless night or the grumpy morning. I am everything you hate about any situation that involves people and places. I know that you have a knight that will be standing there waiting for me, ready to battle. Some days he may win and others he may not. I am and never will be out of the picture. I am the thing that sits in the back of her mind, looking back at her while she does her makeup. I am always with her.