Anxiety Is Tough, So Are You

Two steps forward, one step back. That has been the motto I’ve been living by as I navigate myself through my mental breakdown. I spend my days with my “emergency anxiety kit” on me. It consists of emergency medicine, a stress ball and lavender oil. This isn’t my first mental breakdown, it is my third. Usually they are rooted in anxiety, but this one is different because it is rooted in depression.

I am always the happiest person in the room. I have been compared to sunshine. The bubbly, outgoing, overachieving cheerleader. The past month, that part of me, and my whole identity was taken from me. I wake up sad, find it extremely difficult to do everyday tasks and cry, a lot. I can’t focus on even a simple conversation with a friend, and find it extremely difficult to pay attention in class or study.

I am not my mental illness, this doesn’t define me. That’s what people keep assuring me, and although logically, I know that to be true, this isn’t who I am, but it sure feels like it.

What brought this on? Adulthood. I graduated college and started graduate school. All my friends left, I go to classes at night, and no longer run five organizations, so have a lot of free time and not much to do with it, besides let my mind wander to places it shouldn’t. The future is unknown, I am lacking stability. Where will I be in a year? I don’t know. Will I find a job? Who knows? Will I like my job? I don’t know. Can I handle a career? Will I be able to pay my bills? These are the things that weigh on me daily, the struggles of transitioning into adulthood. I envy people who can just go with it, and handle it.

It is scary, confusing and exhausting, just like what I am going through. I graduated college with honors, a captain of a division 1 team and a club president. I owned a business by the time I graduated college. I was the girl who did it all, or so people thought. It’s funny to think that we perceive each other based on what we see on social media, or what we see when we see a person. A smiling face can be hiding a lot of things.

Now I’m the girl who can barely manage to make it through her days. A girl who fears everything and feels like no matter what she does, she will be a failure. I look around and feel like everyone is better off than I am. I see moms, grandmothers and business women and say “I’ll never be able to do that” I’ll never be them.

Prior to this, I was so confident that I would be them. I see glimmers of light once in a while. Those moments, I cherish. I can see through the fog I’m in, in those moments. Sometimes they last for a minute, sometimes hours, sometimes days. During those times I can see again, and no matter how long they last, they are my most treasured moments right now. As the days go on, I have more and more glimmers of light.

I am confident that as I continue to do things to help myself, such as medication, therapy, keeping myself busy with things I enjoy, I will be able to get out of the fog and stay out of it. It isn’t easy getting there though. My therapist has taught me to weigh on the idea that “whatever is meant to be will be” and in regards to my “unknown” future, have faith in that. When I find myself saying things like “what if I fail?” tell myself the opposite “What if I succeed”. These are a few of the things that have helped me. There is a long road to recovery ahead, but we can do it together.

You are not alone. Keep trucking.