Anxiety or Depression

I don't know when it started, but I know that it has affected my life substantially. I've never been diagnosed with depression nor anxiety, however, I've had this deep feeling that I might have one of them or maybe both. This is due to the continuous events and dark thoughts I've had through my teenage life.

Anxiety

I consistently find myself worrying; if it's about the past or the future, I'm worrying about it. I'll just be sitting there and all of a sudden I start thinking about something in the past, usually something embarrassing or idiotic I did. Then I start mentally beating myself up for it; I'm aware that the past is something I can't change and there's nothing I can do about it. However, it's just the thought of it makes me upset in some way.

I'm about to be 17 and I'm a junior in high school who is involved with basketball. Meaning, right now, I'm worrying about the future. When it comes to academics I'm more mentally stable and can handle it. But career wise, I've cried more about the future than anything else. I do horrible in basketball, I come home and cry. I have major anxiety over what can happen in the future when I play horrendous. Not getting playing time, not making varsity or not being able to play out my dream of playing college basketball. Just everything hits me at once.

Possibly leading me into depression.

Depression

Again, I've never been diagnosed with anything but nor have I seen a doctor to review the problems I have. At times I find myself so deep in my thoughts I can't crawl out. I don't eat, I sit in my room with the lights off, music playing, alone. Crying, cleaning my face then crying again. It's a cycle I go through at least a couple times a week. I've had this deep feeling of hopelessness, like nothing is going to change. My life will forever be this way till I die sort of thing. Basketball is a good place to start with that feeling. I find myself thinking about quitting and giving up on my dream. Also there are points in my life where I don't even want to socialize, people come up to me to talk but I just push them away. However, I've somehow found a way to keep going and breathe every single day when I just want to drop dead.

Coping

When I'm going through one of my bad days, I find myself doing what I'm doing right now. writing. I jot down my thoughts and feelings, then I feel like a large brick is pushed off my shoulders. A sign of relief. I also take pictures of things that are aesthetically appealing to me, I even went as far as to work 8-hour shifts to save up for a camera.

Conclusion

As I continue to go through my teenage years, I don't have a general idea of where I'll be when I'm 19. I could be following my dreams, still worrying if I even will follow them or I'll be depressed due to the fact I didn't make it come true. I still have hope within my heart, however, my mind with determine where I go.