Anxiety Runs My Life

One door, rattling in the air conditioner, back right light flickering continuously, and my mind unable to focus. Anxiety follows me everywhere I go, no matter the time or where I am at. After the military, I began to experience high levels of anxiety—so much so I would stay in my apartment most of the time with little contact with the outside world. During this period of my life, I was in so much emotional pain I felt that there was no recovering.

Slowly, I started to recover with the assistance from my wife. I was able to go to the grocery store. I began to go to school to obtain my bachelors in photography. Even though I still had the intense anxiety and PTSD reactions to almost everything I smelled, heard, or saw, things were looking up. Of course, good things never last. Betrayal led to divorce and loneliness led to isolation.

I became a master at disguising my fears and emotions even though being isolated was the only way I felt safe. I started overdrinking—almost thirty beers a day—smoking one pack of cigarettes a day, and I no longer cared about my self. Times got so terrible, I felt like giving up. I mean if my wife cheated on me, who would want damaged goods such as myself? I was alcoholic, had constant back pain, and was an emotional wreck, which all added to my low self-esteem and increased anxiety.

Emotional darkness blocked out everything I once cared about. With no hope in sight, I would start having thoughts that were not safe. Drinking, crying, passing out was my life. That is until I heard something on the television that sparked something in my mind. I listened to this statement at the right time, and this statement was that fear of change is stronger than fear of the end.

Realizing that I am not ready to end what I have worked so hard for, I gave up alcohol and cigarettes. In fact, as I write this, I have been sober for three years eight months, 20 days, and fifty-four seconds. I graduated with my B.S. is photography and signed up for a masters program in marriage and family therapy. While surrounding myself with positive reinforcements, I still struggle with anxiety and even isolate myself. However, I am slowly pushing my limits.

Pushing myself through graduate school is so frightening, and highly stressful. Between not being able to work due to my anxiety, having to go through my internships, and building a massive debt from school, I repeat to myself that I am worth it and as long as my mind stays clear, I will be able to help others that suffer. And the most important thing that I have learned through all of this is that I run my life, not my anxiety—even if I move forward one step at a time, I will conquer my fears.