Anxiety's Best Friend: Change

It's exciting thinking about all the progress you're making when you don't let that bellowing voice in your head dictate your life, especially for a deranged teenager with trust issues and paranoia. You think of all the ways anxiety has taken over your life; you don't trust anyone, you overthink every decision, and you cut corners wherever and whenever you can. High school becomes easy to cope with when you've been around the same people for 14 years. Graduating and moving overseas, however, had anxiety written all over it.

This time around, you decide to not make the same mistakes. But only if you'd known about what life had in store for you. It's a lot to take in when you're alone and an overweight, hijabi Muslim. Adjusting to a relatively culture-less place alone can be terrifying. And it is VERY terrifying. You’re forced to share an apartment with three strangers whom don’t understand you and you don’t understand. You attend classes and socialise with people you don’t want to while looking for the ones you want to be around. You miss dinner now and lunch then because you’re just too tired to cook for yourself.

With every responsibility you take on, a little part of you dies because you don’t have time for yourself anymore. You grieve the death of the person you once were alongside your boyfriend, your parents, but not your old friends. They’re there, but not “there.” They reminisce the times they spent with you like you’re dead while you scream and cry that you’re still there. That’s what no one is trying to understand, you’re still there. Not just a tiny fragment of who you once were, but you, chained and shackled while Misery makes you watch as Anxiety takes over your life and undoes everything you’ve worked so hard for.

Your stellar attendance falters because you can’t get out of bed in the morning despite sleeping 12 hours straight. You skip those last few questions on the assignment, ‘cause who cares about a stupid assignment? You have your earphones on so often, to avoid socialising, it came to the point your ears now hurt. You've considered cutting yourself again, but how many more scars can your thighs hold? So, you resort to depriving yourself of food and sleep to take control. You refuse to go outside unless you absolutely have to. It goes on like this until you see a light flicker out of the corner of your eyes. You search for it, walking around aimlessly till you find a trail of victories. You travelled alone for the first time without triggering an anxiety attack, you make a friend or two, you got out of bed, and handed in that assignment. It all leads you out of that dark corner you put yourself in.

You still have a long way to go, but it gets better with time. Your anxiety is still at large, however. You still have those days where a person laughing sets off your alarm: What if they’re laughing at you? Did they notice you’ve worn this shirt five times in the last two weeks? Is your hijab slipping of? Are they laughing about your weight? You think of all the possibilities, except for one. They’re not laughing at you. This takes you a few steps back, and each time a setback occurs, you go further back. All the progress you made, gradually diminishing in front of you, and you can’t do anything about it. Until you see that flicker of light again.

When you have anxiety, you soon realise that the flicker of light is momentary. It seems like there is no hope when that light dies out, but there is. While it takes ages to learn that, once you grasp the notion that this isn’t the end, things get easier. And the longer you hold the reign, the calmer Anxiety gets.

No matter what you go through, it is never small. Your issues cannot and should not be belittled to the point you don't seek help. Always seek help. Whether it be a loved one or a therapist, having someone there for you is important. Speak up: it's one of the best advice you can get.