Anxious? Always

Do you have more than one day a week that you'd rather avoid people or going out entirely? Do you freak yourself out over what MIGHT happen if you go to a party and only one person you know will be there? Do you feel dread even before going somewhere you know you'll have fun? These thoughts and feelings are an all too common truth to people with anxiety, especially social anxiety.

Some anxiety or social anxiousness happens to many people from time to time, but some people cannot turn it off. So many people cannot stop feeling worried or overthinking, and cannot push through it to live normally. I am no exception, but most people say, "Well you seem fine, just a bit quiet." And that is only because I have gotten better at forcing through it. I have gotten better at holding it in and trying because I need a job, I need friends, I need to try.

Many days it can feel like everyone and everything including your own body will turn on you and nothing will go right. You're always afraid of how people will see you, or what they'll say about you behind your back. You're always afraid of saying the wrong thing, even just afraid to look at the wrong person. It's terrifying and exhausting to put yourself in a new situation or face an old one that ended badly.

Since I was quite young, I have become more and more anxious and unnerved in public. One of the biggest causes for me was being bullied. I've always been called "whale" or "smelly" or told that no one liked me. There were even times that other kids threw things at me, especially hurting when not even the week before I was dating one of those kids. It turned into a vicious cycle of being invited to things and either having to go regardless of what would happen or saying yes then cancelling last minute because I overthought every possibility.

Somehow these monster/creature versions of anxiety brought me comfort. Seeing others express similar fears and disorders can help one feel less alone. I feel a sensory anxiety some days where everything has exhausted me and all I want to do is curl up in the dark. I can get upset or depressed to a darkness because I hate feeling so afraid to essentially live like other humans.

Coping. How can you not try to cope with these thoughts just making it hard to think straight or breathe? Everyone on this planet has a coping mechanism for when they are stressed or upset, and people with anxiety have more than one most of the time. I have tried everything short of therapy. Currently I am smoking cigarettes, and can use writing, music, and adult coloring books. I know exercise is another common one. It is still beyond help sometimes.

For me, a real panic attack starts with every thought at once and when I finally burst, it turns into crying and hyperventilating. At this point people are either concerned and try to comfort me...or make me feel even worse because I'm a hot mess while I'm serving them. Those who try to help me, it's appreciated, but it also makes me feel worse because it's calling attention to it. When I can finally get away to a private area I just close my eyes and breathe, and sip water. While lighting a smoke if I can. There was even one night where I had to have friends take turns talking to me and making sure I didn't pass out. I just hope others have a support system too.

If this genuinely helped give you an insight or you think it might help someone else, do not hesitate to share it.