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Lately, I have been experiencing these mental blocks.
Upon a conversation with a close friend of mine, I have discovered that I am currently suffering from anxiety and depression. Well, it is not so much of a discovery, as the desire to work on myself has finally manifested in my life. I think my mental blocks could be a result of my depression, which projects its fears and worries onto the faces of those in my life, making me think that they hate me. I know that the odds of them actually hating me are probably non-existent, but I still get consumed with the fears of them talking behind my back. I have to fight against the desire to bend over backwards for them to gain their approval in light of this personal information, but it is difficult—I am such a people pleaser.
As an artist and a writer, I use creativity as a means of expression to help me cope with some of these thoughts that swarm like a nest of wasps inside my mind, ready to strike whenever the time is convenient. However, because of these mental blocks I have been unable to pick up the pen and the paint brush to be the full-blown, creative force that I am. Right now, from past paintings, I have about 20 canvasses in my house, and am looking for a home for them, but then I think what's the point? You're not going to paint anyways. But I have managed to fight against these thoughts and pursued a particularly beautiful piece using a reference of a picture of a beautiful sunset. My mother surprises me by wanting this piece, herself, which boosts my confidence just a notch.
To be honest, I have always wanted to blog about my personal experiences - but I am worried about what the readers will think. I would be lying if I said that now I do not give two fucks, when in reality I do, but I am learning to not take things as personally as I have in the past, which is a scary notion. This change terrifies me. I am worried that I will lose an essential part of myself—that I will change so much that I am hardly recognizable, and will cause my friends to leave. I know that I should not worry about these things, as people come and go, but I have some friends who I love deeply—maybe more deeply than I should—but I do not want to scare them away. Perhaps this is what is blocking me from transforming into the person that I want to become, but another thought emerges from the back burner of my mind: Why can't I just be me?
Now, I think that I do not want to change to the point where I do not recognize the girl from yesterday. Rather, I want to remove these pressures and expectations that I have taken onto myself from those around me, so that I can be my authentic self, however I choose to let that show. I am constantly trying to remind myself not to be scared of these changes that are occurring, but it is difficult—an everyday fight that takes time and energy. This is why I am calling myself Aporia as my own username—it is a beautiful butterfly with black lines and white veins, and a Greek Name in Mythology. The Butterfly is commonly associated with change and transformation—rising above the darkness and ascending into the light that casts it. I know that this seems like just a throw up of words, but there is a message here:
Do not be afraid of the change that is waiting to take place within you. Embrace what you fear, and understand that everything happens for a reason, even if you are the one that creates that reason.