'Are You?'

Are you?

Those simple words hit me like a brick the other morning. I’m working the annual December Strength to Stand conference, put on by the Scott Dawson Evangelical Association. I know, mouthful, right?

This is my fifth year working this conference; my very first one was when I met Switchfoot for the first time. It helped me realize something I love to do and brought me to know some incredible people.

Bob (fake name) is one of those people. Even though I’m not as close to him as I am some of the others, our first meaningful conversation got me thinking hard.

I first met him last year when I was a stage manager and he was my MC, so we said things in passing, but it always seemed like he wasn’t aware I was there. He never seemed to say anything directly to me or anything like that; nothing against him at all. He had a lot of responsibilities, but that was my impression.

So this morning a few of us, including him, were sitting in the big room waiting for the session to start all chatting up a storm.

He abruptly turned to me and said “So what’s your story? I haven’t really had a chance to ask you that.”

Side note, if you’ve ever seen August Rush (great movie), you know that the guy asks the girl when they first meet that same thing. She elegantly responds “I don’t know, I’m just... me.”

Middle school me thought that was the most romantic thing ever, like how poetic and beautiful and SO real (because my middle school self knew so much)?

I had always imagined asking someone that or being asked that and giving some breathtaking response.

Sike.

If you’re thinking of asking/being asked the same thing, you better come up with an answer, cause if you’re not prepared, all the little mini you's start running around frantically in your brain and it goes into overdrive thinking of all the possible answers..

What part of my story do you wanna know? Can it really be summed up in a five minute conversation? What’s actually important to me? Am I a terrible person for not knowing how to answer this? My priorities are probably so screwed. Why do I even exist? What is my place in this world??

Yeah, questions like that go through your head in a millisecond.

So, naturally, I told him where I go to school, sports I play, about my family, etc. Oddly enough, he played football at a college that was put out of the play-offs by Carson-Newman (talons up), so he actually knew my school. No one else does cause they’re all from 'bama. So that was significant.

After he had the typical reaction to how many siblings I have, he said, “so, tell me about your faith journey.”

This is where I really scrambled.

I’ve been in a rut the past two years, but how do I say that to him where others can hear? I felt a pull that I wanted to tell him and he could help, but I didn’t want everyone else to hear it, too.

So I vaguely described what church I grew up in and where I “go” now, even though I haven’t gone there consistently in a year.

I told him sophomore year was rough; I got into some things and it was the hardest year I’ve had so far. I was injured and couldn’t play my sport, which, as any athlete knows, that’s devastating. That catapulted into consistent drunken weekends, messing around with drugs, and sleeping days away because I had zero motivation to get out of bed. I’ve been essentially bouncing back ever since.

Then he said something I wasn’t expecting...

“So how are you now?”

Of course my natural response was “Oh I’m okay, you know.” Typical answer to avoid really answering. Then he threw the follow-up with a knowing look in his eye as he tilted his head, looking straight into the depths of my very soul...

“Are you?”

And that completely threw me off-guard. All I could do was stutter like a blithering idiot and say “Well, I think so.”

When I know I’m not.

We connected a bit about being a college athlete and how it’s hard, sometimes, to get away from bad influences when you have to be with them every day after that, and then he had to go.

He jumped up and said, “Well, you’ve told me the condensed version in about four minutes. I’d like to unpack it sometime.”

Definitely probably wasn’t serious, but it got me. This weekend I’ve been low-key regretting coming because I’m tired and I could’ve worked to save some more money during this time, but I can’t help but think that tiny conversation might be the reason I needed to come.

1. To quit running from where I stand with this God thing.

2. To realize it’s okay to not be okay with it and have questions.

3. To quit being closed off and TALK to someone about it.

Even if you’re not into God or anything like that, it’s all good. The concept still applies in general if you’re struggling with anything, whether it be depression, anxiety, self-image, etc. It’s easy to say you’re okay when someone asks, but what if they hit you with “are you?”

Be honest, my friend.