As I Lay Here

As I've laid here so many times, as I wish not to move. My life has been much like this pillow I hold so tightly, soft but mostly dark. I have always wondered whether my decisions were my own or if I am destined to feel only pain and sorrow. I should not think like this but depression does this.

"Kira! You have to walk to work!" The matriarch yells to me. I simply grab what I'll need and leave then, otherwise I might say something stupid which has happened too often.

As I walked up the main road to my store, many people honk at me as if yelling "You're fat and not worth even being honked at!" but since I use crosswalks like a law abiding person most of the time it is unavoidable. I hate that I began smoking and let myself depend on it now, as if I haven't given up yet, I try to fake a smile and get to work. This job is what pushed me to start smoking only a few years ago. After a long day, once I return home I think within myself, the gloom washing back over me. Is this truly how I would have ended up? If my father hadn't died so long ago would it have gotten here just the same? I wish I knew if this was what was planned for me to endure or if I made this become my life because it seems like hell.

I hate this yes, but I love it too. For every second of pain or mentally feeling so sad there is a moment of joy or stillness to calm my nerves. As I've returned home from a long day of working at a gas station, I return to someone who loves me and animals that come running to greet me. He doesn't always see how much I hurt but he tries to understand, even if I don't. My friends will come to me to relax and chat, they look to me to keep their secrets and their pain too. I love people around me as much as I hate some of the turmoil they cause. I feel like a lightning rod. I hate to love as hard, I work harder, and I will only keep going so long as I am alive to absorb the shock. That is all we can do, is live, love and hope we don't bring ourselves or others down. Some days are harder to keep up with, some will completely knock you down, but the truly good ones redeem you.

As I lay on my couch watching Youtube, I see that these pillows and blankets cover me and protect me. I see that I have my choices and my life, so I shall sleep and continue to live it. But when the depression comes back I know what truly will be helpful, my lover and my pillows, perhaps even a movie. Because in this quiet and dark peace I feel truly at home.