Ask Me How I Am

We all know someone who suffers with depression, even if we don’t really know they are suffering. The world can become a dark and lonely place for that person, but it’s so easy to make a difference to them. Ask them how they are. From personal experience that one simple question can make all the difference and here is why.

When I am at my low points, that horrible voice of depression is there in my ear, convincing me of things I don’t want to believe. Though I don’t want to, I find myself caving and becoming victim to the voice and its vile words, believing it when it tells me these horrible “home truths” However, the simple act of someone checking in helps me tame the voice and can bring me back to reality, where things don’t seem quite so bad.

I find this voice is in my ear when I least expect it, I can be having a beautiful moment with my little girl, then that voice will pipe up and say “enjoy it while it lasts, once she’s old enough she won’t want to know someone like you” and that’s it. Just like that the moment is ruined and I find myself mourning the loss of my little girl. The girl, who is in fact, still giving me one of her award winning hugs.

That same voice in my head screams other insults at me throughout the day. Here is just a few of the things it has to say about me.

"You're worthless."

As much as I know in my heart of hearts this is not true, it’s hard to think otherwise when you have a voice inside of you, telling you this countless times a day. To have to convince yourself daily that you have a purpose.

“They know you’re faking it.”

On those days where you have to paint on a smile and take on the world, when all you want to do is curl in a ball and hide away, the voice is there. It tells me that people know that I don’t want to be there and that this will be misinterpreted, making them think I don’t want to be with them. This is my biggest downfall, I will automatically then withdraw myself, and ultimately cut myself off from the people that I love. The voice wins.

“No-one would care if you weren’t around.”

This works hand in hand with the above two, if you are worthless, and have to fake being happy in the company of other people, then why would they care if you suddenly weren’t around them anymore? They may even be glad. At least that’s what the voice says.

It seems like a vicious circle of events. You try so hard to break away from the feeling of self-loathing and complete feeling of helplessness by going out and socialising. Yet while you are there, you feel so self-conscious by the things the voice tells you that you just can’t enjoy yourself. The experience becomes so traumatic that you don’t feel like you want to attempt it again, maybe next time you will just stay at home with a pizza and Netflix.

Amazingly enough, for me at least, there is a ray of sunshine. That random text that comes through and says “Hey, hope you’re okay?” Yes, sometimes I lie and say I’m fine, when in fact, I'm on my third chocolate bar of the hour. But, knowing that someone cares enough to check in on me, goes a long way to dispelling some of the things that voice tells me. I’m not worthless, someone cares. I don’t have to fake it, they are asking because they know I am struggling, and they care. They would care if I wasn’t around, they have taken the time to check in, would they do that if they didn’t? No. A smile from a stranger in the street makes me not feel invisible. It all gives me a little power over the voice.

It’s amazing, how one small act, can make all the difference to someone who may be in a dark period in their life. Now, I smile to people in the street (even if I don’t feel like smiling myself) and drop messages to friends randomly. Just on the off chance they are having a bad day, that way, I also get to make a difference to another who may be struggling.

Remember, a little can go a long way, especially where mental health is involved.