Chronic Pain...
Well, I've made it eleven years with "the suicide disease."
I am shocked with how long I have lasted to be honest because it well and truly sucks. I have constant pain 24/7, 365 days a year. Although I admit it isn't the worse situation, it isn't the best. I'm only just hitting 20 years old, so I don't really remember what it feels like to be okay, to be pain free. I imagine it every single day of my life and sometimes it brings me relief but otherwise it makes horrifically depressed. I wanted to make this post to give myself an outlet of annoyance, of anger, and of relief. There are many times in my life, where I haven't felt comfortable to put this out there but tonight with insomnia by my side I do. I can't behave or do things like other people. I have the muscles of a 93-year-old. I struggle with everything, I can't even lie down properly and as horrible as it sounds, I find it hilarious, not because I'm in pain but actually because I am twenty years of age and I can't move with moaning, cracking, or flinching in pain. My body becomes riddled with anxiety when I have a flare up, my limbs sometimes can have a mind of their own and I spasm, which mean my muscle will fully shift my leg away from it's current position. I don’t tend to go out when I’m having a bad day because of two reasons: I can’t walk because of the pain, I would rather not leave and limp or use my wheelchair.