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Avoiding Our Emotions

The Most Common Trap

By Shirley J. DavisPublished 6 years ago 4 min read
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It is human nature to want to avoid negative stimuli. We go out of our way to avoid long lines, heavy traffic, or anything we deem inconvenient to our daily lives.

However, if we spend an inordinate amount of time in the avoidance of our emotions, the avoidance becomes a trap.

To remain healthy, humans need to be able to vent their feelings. As anyone who has been married can attest, when two people live in close proximity for long periods of time, emotions will eventually become frayed.

I know the media portrays couples as resolving conflict in 30 minutes or an hour, and making up afterward. Life is not that simple. The lucky couples will solve their built-up frustrations by arguing, and if the feelings of frustration are vented in an honest and clear manner, the conflict ends, and life goes on.

But, what if each of the people in the above scenario are unable or unwilling to express to the other their emotions? What then?

Then the frustration becomes resentment, the resentment becomes discontentment, and before either person realizes it the marriage is ending.

With the above example, it is easy and non-threatening to see the effects of avoidance. What about a child caught in an abusive home, and unable to escape. He/she cannot vent their frustration for fear of another traumatic episode, so they stuff their emotions down deep inside, denying their existence. Sometimes they will act out in school or in a public place, but inside they are a seething volcano.

Does avoiding emotions ever lead to a better way of life or even emotional health? No. Those emotions, though they have been carefully avoided, are stored up as so much negative energy. As adults, children who have been traumatized repeatedly harbor in their bodies the evidence of what happened to them. Adults without childhood trauma, who stuff their emotions, fair no better.

People who deny their emotions and suppress them may suffer from the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, flashbacks (reliving the trauma over and over), or being easily startled even when they know there is no danger.

They may suffer from severe pain, that is unrelenting and undiagnosable.

Other diseases such as heart disease, obesity, arthritis, and diabetes have been seen to increase in both severity and occurrences in people who have chronically denied their emotions.

There is even a now being researched a possible link between cancer and emotional upheaval experienced in childhood that has been stuffed down deep inside.

The mitigation of the effects of negative emotions is not to forget them, or deny them, but to feel them. This is counterintuitive. One would think that revisiting past trauma, or facing one’s own strong emotions, would cause more pain. Indeed, it does hurt, but the alternative more so.

Avoiding our emotions and denying them, only makes them stronger. Your body will not forget, there is even evidence that these emotions can become part of our genetic code.

There are two things that a person who feels they have unvented and unrecognized emotions can do. These suggestions may even save your life.

Number One: Seek the help of a mental health professional. Those words will turn many off, but the importance of having help cannot be overemphasized. In the office of a therapist, you can safely express whatever emotions are plaguing you. At first, as I have stated, it is very painful. However, after venting for a while, one morning you will wake up and realize you have had more good days then bad that week. Encouraged, you will realize you have made progress. Too often, the stigma surrounding reaching out for professional help keeps millions from enjoying the freedom brought by sitting in the client’s chair.

Number Two: Practice honesty with yourself and others always. That is not meant as an insult, nor to raise denial that we are always honest with ourselves and others. Not facing the emotions of the past, and putting them where they belong, to a time long ago, is lying. This is not on purpose, it is a coping mechanism all humans employ. Even after many years of practice, most adults will lie to themselves by lying about their emotions. However, because they have been working on being open and honest, they soon realize what they have done and take steps to correct it. The thought of facing oneself, and seeing who we truly are can be extremely frightening. We deny ourselves great growth by believing our own lies.

There is no easy or quick fix to helping ourselves out of the trap, of the avoidance of our emotions. It takes courage to look yourself in the face and see yourself, accepting who you are in reality.

The alternative is to live a life ruled by forces you do not acknowledge or understand.

“You are beautiful because you let yourself feel, and that is a brave thing indeed.”- Shinji Moon
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About the Creator

Shirley J. Davis

I am a psychology student, currently attending a four-year university with a goal to become a PhD. I write a blog that reaches an international audience. I am also an author and public speaker.

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