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The story of how Instagram saved my life.

By Will JacksonPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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Depression is a bitch. I think we all know that this is true. When you're at your lowest, self care isn't a thing. You isolate yourself and cut away your friends. You don't let yourself exist because you're too numb to the idea of existing.

This is where I found myself. I was curled up in my bed in the winter of 2016. I had no job, no friends, no emotion. It was cold and rainy and that just gave me another reason to sit inside and scroll endlessly through the void of Tumblr. My parents had been threatening to kick me out or force me to enlist in the Army. I mostly ignored them, I couldn’t be bothered to care.

Things were bad. I didn’t shower or get dressed. I even fell out of the habit of brushing my teeth. It was pretty disgusting actually. I was disgusted with myself. I felt worthless and useless and thought that it would never get better. I spent plenty of days in a fog of my former self, and plenty of nights debating the perks of just ending it all.

Social media is supposed to be isolating. That’s what all the articles say. People think that spending time on your phone is the reason why your lonely. For me, social media was a lifeline. I was nowhere near popular. I was incredibly unpopular actually. On Tumblr I barely maintained 100 followers while on Instagram I was closer to 50, and Snapchat was limited to my sister. I had nobody to notice if I disappeared, so I almost let myself.

I don’t know when I realized that I had nothing to lose, but that’s when I started posting. My posts honestly sucked. The pictures were dark and mostly of my cats, but I kept it up. I started gaining followers. There were actually people out there who were following my Instagram, and I didn’t care if they were bots, they were something that saw me.

The validation felt good. I brushed my teeth. It felt like I was being seen, even if it wasn’t really me. I washed my hair. My cats enjoyed the attention, especially Panda Bear. I applied for jobs. I didn’t want it to seem like all I ever did was sit around doing absolutely nothing, so I went outside. I walked around downtown, posting pictures of buildings and fountains and parks. I felt the sun on my cheeks and let it warm me to my core.

My Instagram wasn’t that impressive. It was messy and disorganized and there was no sense of aesthetics, but the magic had been worked. I was no longer stagnant, I was moving forward. I got a job, so even as my Instacraze died down, I still had to leave the house. Sure the job was at Burger King, but it was something to keep me moving and motivated. I cleaned out most of the photos I had taken in Seattle when I moved to Spokane. And then I started over again.

With a new style, I decided it was time for some actual effort. Blue mohawk selfies set between pictures of the world around me. Photos with friends to prove to myself that they actually exist. I’m finally in a place where I am comfortable and happy with life. I’m up to 180 followers after two years of updating and deleting. I joke a lot about doing things for the Aesthetic™ but if it weren’t for that aesthetic, I probably wouldn’t be here today.

I try to post often now, but it’s really not necessary. It’s fun to update the world on what I’m up to, and remind myself that anything can be a lifeline. Whether it’s a hamster or a roleplay account on Tumblr, or even a terrible Instagram with almost no followers, it can be something that someone needs to keep going. Now I’m in a good place, and tomorrow it might be even better.

What my Instagram currently looks like (after the latest clean out of old photos)

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About the Creator

Will Jackson

An asexual non-binary pal just trying to live their best life. Planning to go on the adventure of a lifetime just to hold on to some memories for a moment longer while singing and songwriting on the side.

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