Battlefield

My battlefield.

The world is my battlefield that I had no choice but to fight with no weapons, support no backup but blindfolded.

The problem started with a clean temple. Walls clean floors clean. Not a speck of dirt.

It was a good temple, guarded with love, but plain no garden. It was just built, the seeds hadn't bloomed.

The temple was left alone at times and the guards were careless. The enemy threw grenades and the temple was ruined; it was a crime scene cave. I was alone fighting alone trying to protect what was left inside.

Who wants to lose all their valuables so I needed to fight I had to protect what didn’t belong to the enemy.

But I lost. The enemy wins and doesn’t get caught. But I didn’t abandon the cave. Planned to rebuild the temple I really did. But the enemy was too strong he was too big and kept coming back.

I know... I’ll get back up some how. Someone can help protect this once called temple. But I lost again. No one cared for it. Maybe they were too lazy to rebuild... and it was easier to abandon it. I couldn’t. So I started to rebuild on my own.

I build for days... enemy knocks it down. So I build for months even when he knocks it down I just kept on building. He’ll knock one brick I replace 5 more.

Years passed and I was still building. My arms were heavy from building because more enemies came and said I was too noisy, I had to silence the noise. So I simply stopped.

The cave stays a cave with scars that reminds me of the battle. Each scar has my bedtime stories. Each scar has my lullabies.

Each scar reminds me how I hate this cave how I can never rebuild it to the beautiful cleans temple it once was. Now it’s this dirty cave that the enemy filled with its dirty water that no matter how much I try to clean it... it still feels dirty.

I don’t want it no more. No one will want to love this cave, I don’t even love it. I can’t hide the scars one look and you know a war happen. Who wants to be where death lived once and you can’t give anyone the warning because you can’t make any noise or the ENEMIES will come back and silence your noise with another war that you know you will not win because you’re blindfolded, alone, bare with no cover to hide anything but no way to make the slightest sound to give hints on what occurred for over a decade...

This is my battlefield, this is my war. The war is me being silent and afraid because I gave in to my enemies and I let them win. I failed because I was weakened by the power my enemy had the power of numbers and my number was one. Only one. Me.

These are my thoughts when I have a flash back of my terrible pain. It comes and goes but always returns. No matter how hard I try, it sneaks up on me. At times I wish I can be anyone else but me. But then I could not help as many people that I have helped. It's a therapeutic offer that I offer myself. Which is to help others that had face the same pain I faced. I meet new people and find out that I'm no different than the next person.. to think that's a good thing is crazy because it just means there's a lot of woman children and men who have been sexually assaulted and I wish there was an end to it. Writing helps me bring out my feelings and my thoughts. It also helps others as they read what I wrote and at times I get feedback. Good ones and even bad ones. I pity the people who write me negative feedback because if they can't see that rape is not ok no matter what then they are the ones that needs help. So why should I get treatment for having PTSD? People that don't understand need treatment. It's sad that we live in a society that actually says when they hear a story like mines "oh it happens." It shouldn't happen to no one.

Rape happens mostly within the family.

I'm Natasha. People call me mumistarr and I've been raped for 10 years by my own brother. I had no one. I was called a liar. When the truth came out my family covered it and made me stay silent. They wanted to look perfect. So bidding me was their perfection. I'm no longer silent and I stand strong to tell people who have been through any type of abuse to SPEAK.