Battling Anxiety, Where to Start!

I decided to write this story about myself, my upbringing and its psychological effects, how It affected who I am today, my behaviours and the decisions I made; feeling like I had to do certain things for people or for money. Mainly just in hope to try and discover or find myself somehow, within my story I will share with you the path of how I taught myself to overcome parts of my “damaged personality,” as some people have liked to call it. Along with the mental torture I have put myself through for as long as I can even remember. I have always grown up wondering, “what is wrong with me?” “there must be something wrong with me?” and the reason I would like to share my story is because although I wished I never experienced the things I had, not realising the dangers that could follow, but I have lived my whole life until now always wondering why? How come I am the one to blame? How come certain things are only done to me and no-one else? Why do I act this way? Why do I do that? Why can’t I allow myself to be happy and to feel loved? Why don’t I believe they like me?

(Over the next few weeks, I will be sharing my journey to finally overcome anxiety, change my views upon myself, and my life. Training my brain to talk positive to itself and not negatively, I am my own worst enemy and I don’t let anyone in because I’m scared of hurting you.)

As well as taken on other people’s problems, feeling obliged to because I have witnessed their personal struggles, and I feel sorry for you! Once I see that and the potential in someone, I feel like I must help them. Sometimes I feel bad because I have poured my soul out to you, I now must make up the time of yours I have wasted, and because I have feared the honesty I have shared and how you will now perceive me. The amount of time and effort I have wasted on others because of me feeling sorry for them or guilty for not helping someone pretending to be in need. Although I am now aware of all this emotion I carry, I feel trapped in a way, I still have my own demons that I battle with myself every day and night because I’m still unaware of how to let go! It’s just weighing me down now and it's holding me back socially. I’m ready to let go of everything, and writing it down feels like the only way I’ve begun to feel a transition, I feel it’s working!

I have been waiting for counselling for almost a year now, never mind the number of years I have been put on the same waiting list and just never heard anything back.

So one day in work, I was having this similar conversation with a colleague of mine who told me “that if you fear facing and talking about your problems, as you would in counselling, writing your story is another form of releasing those past energies and letting go of the demons that hold you back from taking those risky leaps through life." She explained it so beautifully, she said, “ you could write down your problems like a story, either as a story as if the stuff your holding on to didn’t happen to you, you just helped somebody through it, describing it as a third person. Or you could write it as a diary, and express yourself as if your talking to somebody, whatever feels most comfortable to you. Once you feel have finished expressing yourself, it's then up to you with what you then do with your story, you can; shred it, burn it, tear it apart, whatever helps you to let go of it.”

That is what I have decided to try, I’m desperate to finally let go. It does always sound better when you say them out loud have you ever noticed that? It makes you look at things differently. Rather than when it being trapped in your head and it feels like it’s going over all different scenarios in your head, winding yourself up, making something out of nothing.

Writing feels like a sense of sharing with someone but with no response, judgement or a big one in my case ‘being misunderstood’ I feel like nobody understands me, all I hear is “pardon” “what did you say” “what do you mean.” I struggled through therapy (counselling in college) because I would certainly not be able to sit with a stranger and tell them; the things I have thought of, and the things I once felt I had to sacrifice to solve problems, and the things I have done.

This is my chance to bring everything out of my head tell everyone exactly what I think and feel for a change, it's time my voice was heard, free myself from suffocation, from holding back peoples secrets as well as my own. A time for me to release trapped energies within my nerves system, release myself from my mind, I’m sick of being everyone’s punch bag because none of you are around when I am down. it’s a chance for me to finally say tell my story because everyone seems to know the truth so much more than me about my own life and don’t even let me explain myself. Never mind, asking me what has happened? Or how they’ve made me feel or affected me somehow with your perspective of me. Since I have been writing I have noticed myself calm down mentally, I’m not so wound up, and seeing everything I’d like to do negatively, see things clearer, even my speech has improved and my presence around people have changed, I feel I am receiving more positive approaches.

My way of thinking has caused me to become private and reserved and I find it hard to trust others, I have made myself believe that people only try to stay in my life for a motive, the only people I don’t feel that with are the only people I text and call first, the people I give the most natural effort with I love them to bits, you’ll get to know these lovely people that have stuck around.

I am finally finding a way to overcome these emotions and trying to break my barriers, it’s a slow and lonely process with myself and then eventually with others and allowing them into my life! I cannot wait for the results with how much things have change within less than one year so far, just from a change of mindset and heart, I am very excited instead of scared and nervous of what could possibly be coming to me going forward, whilst I’m finally moving forward. I thought it would be interesting to write about my journey because since I realised that I was sick of feeling this way and I need to look within myself to sort my head out, I have noticed other people have very similar lifestyles, emotions, upbringings, and experiences but within different scenarios, and I don’t feel alone so much anymore.

I have never been able to speak of the things I have ever witnessed or experienced, or of how a situation has made me feel, because there has never been anyone to talk about it all too. It’s how I have dealt with my experiences I want you to take note of, and how I am still managing to continue through life positive, despite my outrageous built up outbursts; screaming, shouting, crying our physically attacking some form of object, sometimes in the past it have been another person that I have poorly attacked instead of dealing with the situation calmly in the correct form of what society call a “normal” manner. People could probably say that I may have anger issues, but I get frustrated, people do not listen to each other, or even bothering to communicate sometimes, it frustrates me so much, that my frustration then turns to anger, especially if I have built the courage to speak out and it upsets somebody. Then not only my words, that are misunderstood, my actions then also upset people too, to where no one will listen to me now anyway because of how I have reacted, but they have never fully justified to me for me understand how I have upset anybody in the first place.

I think people have become to sensitive, especially with how social media is making everyone feel these days.

I have always felt that I am not speaking the same language as the people around me, including the people that should know me more than anybody else, I must admit, I don’t really explain myself properly, but all I would ever receive is shocked, negative or defensive responses, the facial expressions that look my way once I would have opened my mouth! What the fucks this been all about!

In all fairness, I am so bad with explaining myself to a point where I say, “I talk in riddles” people always laugh and ask why? “I can’t explain it, but in time, the more you’ll get to know me, you will understand what I mean.”

Within a few months, I have people stopping me during a conversation and asking “what, did you just say?" People that now know me find it funny, and help me during conversations. “You talk in riddles.” Every action I seem to make, or plan upset somebody. Your own personal plans are always better off left unsaid, within my experience people will tell you all the negatives, then use the idea for themselves. Maybe it’s because of how I am telling my plans as well sometimes? But everyone will instantly take the negative approach for feedback, persuading me not to do the ideas I am sharing! It’s all the god damn time though. I don’t know why I’ve ever bothered opening my mouth all these years, as my actions have always proven to have explained me more than words, although when disasters have occurred, I have kept my mouth shut, panicking of the consequences, disappointed, scaring or upsetting my loved ones.

I thought that if I was to speak I was just going to cause some form of an argument or drama even when I’ve tried to talk about something exciting, it’s like I just do everyone’s heading it was never my intention to, but the people I seemed to attract negativity and the people that are around me do not like me speaking my opinion, they just want the help I offer.

I have always wished my whole life to just stop caring, because I have always noticed that I am not doing the things I want to do, to have the fun I’ve wanted to have. All my hopes and dreams have been pushed back because I have either needed money or someone needed my help. Yeah, I wish I didn’t care! I wish I could say “fuck everyone and everything” and only do what I want to do. I still haven’t reached that level yet in life or even come close to it but what I have managed to do, is become aware of it, and I don’t know how to break it. Do I continue to hide that I do care because I am now too afraid to show it in case I am taken advantage of, once again? I have experienced a lifestyle of trying to survive alone whilst helping others before myself, and out of the worst possible outcomes that followed within them scarifies ended up happening to me, (like they always say, you never expect the worst to happen to yourself.)

I am going to have to start right from the beginning so that you can get a full understanding of what I am trying to explain. Within my own life experiences. I have always been told by the people I have opened up to in the past, about my past, that I should write of my own book of my life experiences and how I have overcome everything, and how my decisions have caused effects to my life within my personality/characteristic, but have always kept me humble, this statement has always been something I have mocked and laughed at, who would be interested in my story?

Then I met my partner, we have shared stories whilst getting to know each other, and started sharing the stories to fill in the gaps from where we hadn’t seen each other for so long, gave each other the truths of the rumours that have been created and spread of ourselves within the community as we’ve always known the same people. The more and more we keep growing together, I am realising how alike we are and how our life experiences have grown us to similar beliefs and views upon life, meeting him and our story together, encouraged me to write this, I thought it would make it more interesting as I find our story so beautiful, considering everyone I have met before him!

I would like to say that everyone in the world has their own stories, that have caused them pain, angry, love and betrayal we have to it’s what helps us grow, they are life experiences preparing you for something bigger. Your experiences could be written, and you’ll probably feel better for it too, so far, I am on page 19, and I feel like I have let go of so much already. Maybe it would help you let go too! What I have come to realise through my experiences is that every individual will think and feel the same emotions but in their own way at some point in their lives, something that may hurt my feelings, won’t hurt my partners or yours and vice versa. My story is not for sympathy or to make anyone look or sound bad, I’m hoping to give some inspiration maybe shared or similar experiences or maybe you have felt the same way as I have but from your own personal experiences, and feel stuck in a rut, I’m hoping my book can get you out of the rut sooner than it took me, breaking your cycle in order for you to change your life paths for your happiness and benefits, I’m hoping I remind you that you are not alone. “you don’t have to be the person, people believe you are.”

Before I tell you about the gift I had received that helped me stay strong through the time of which I felt I was going to give up on everything I have held onto. I feel that this year has pulled me back together, I must tell you about what broke me, to begin with, for you to understand.