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Battling With Mental Illness

Multiple Disorders Combined

I am a soon to be 48-year-old woman who battles with multiple disorders every day. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, severe anxiety, social anxiety disorder, post traumatic stress disorder or PTSD for short. I have had it for many years, and when I was in my teens, you could say that I had suicidal tendencies that love to take over.

Most of it is from the way I lived my life and the things that happened in my life. It is hard to go out in public anymore without my service dog who keeps me focused and calm. 

I began going into Walmart at night thinking there wouldn’t be a whole lot of people because walking into a packed Walmart causes me to have a severe panic attack enough to throw up everything in my stomach.

I have been dealing with depression on many different levels because one day I could be alright and functioning, then I could be having a crying spell collapsing to the floor in a corner, and then there is those times where I just lay in bed and don’t want to get up. A lot of my depression has caused myself to inflict self-harm I guess because of the guilt I feel about something.

Something could happen and all of a sudden it is my fault and I need to punish myself for it happening. Things like slamming my head into brick walls or burning myself with cigarettes just to make me remember what happened and that it was my fault. Those moments are hard to fight and do take a lot out of you when you do have to battle it.

My anxiety is a whole other ball game because it happens more frequently. Those dreaded panic attacks are really bad at times. I have feelings of fear and paranoia and that is because I have had so many things happen to me while growing up that it causes me to fear being walked up behind by someone, too many people around me will have me freaking out quickly to where I run through stores just to get what I need and get out.

I have been raped many times throughout the years and some people and cops have even told me I deserved it, but it has made me afraid to go places alone now and the nightmares are another thing. I wake up every night from a nightmare and it usually takes a minute of sitting up for me to actually be able to lay back down.

I have been in therapy for a good amount of years and tons of different medication because it seems like I am on one medication for awhile and then it stops working because the disorder begins reacting again. Then, they must change my medication and start again to see if it is going to work.

It is difficult to say for sure how each day is going to go because I never know until I have been up for awhile in the mornings. Some days are good, while others have me locked inside my room. 

Lately, it has been weird because I am not a violent person by no means and a few months ago, I had an attack, but it was like I felt so much rage inside and anger, but I didn’t know where it was coming from.

It is those times that scare me the most because it takes a lot out of me for me to control it and not act upon it. I thank each day for my husband because he has been there for me with my mental illness and has adjusted himself to take better care of me.

He witnesses everyday how I react to certain things and knows most of my triggers so that he can respond quick enough so that it doesn’t get out of control. I have my own pharmacy mostly full of mental health medications for each different disorder. There are times that I hate taking my medication, but without it I crash and seriously go through withdrawals.

I am working with my therapist to process everything I have been through in my life that has caused trauma. When the incident happened, I just shut it away and hid from it and never went through the motions or emotions to process it. So, I am holding at least 30 years of trauma inside and have not processed any of it.

Mental health or illness is not something that is easily cured, and it could take all my life to deal with everything, but it can become disabling to many people. Especially those who are not equipped with the right tools to handle everything. If you are having problems or issues, I urge you to seek help because no one can deal with this on their own.

Brandi Payne
Brandi Payne

I'm a forty-eight-year-old woman who became a published author back in 2016. I write fiction and nonfiction in many different genre. I love to write and tell stories to the world and hope that everyone enjoys them.

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