Battling with Severe Depression

I've been thinking, long and hard... there are things in my life I need and want to change. I've figured out it isn't going to happen overnight; it's going to take time.

The last few years have been hard, but this year has been a real eye-opener to understanding who I am, and some point it was only natural for me to just snap.

I can't let this mental illness define who I am anymore. Despite knowing that about myself in the last year, I was able to achieve what I thought was unthinkable at one point!

After pretty much failing college back in 2006-2008, I thought I was just a slow idiot with a memory like a sieve! But it didn't stop me from trying once more at college in 2011-2013 and achieving the highest mark possible in my Animal Management qualification, even though halfway through the course I found out I'm dyslexic, ADD, have verbal dyspraxia, and most importantly, suffering from Irlen Syndrome; ALL on the severest spectrum, too. Knowing that kind of information about myself was a massive eye-opener! I knew I had problems, and yet no matter how many times I told my teachers in high school, "Miss/Mister, I can't read this text," they'd look at me cluelessly because I was a high-achieving student. "Don't be silly, Robyn, you can read!" They'd often tell me. Eventually, I learned that using a ruler to read was helpful for me.

Knowing that kind of information about myself just means I have to work four times harder than anyone else. Now, people are reading this and thinking:

"Eh up, how could you possibly be dyslexic if you write like this, with pretty good grammar and spelling?"

Especially if you add Irlen and ADD to the mix, it's a whole new ballgame! It's because I have figured out ways of getting around my 'disabilities.' Sure, I have my really bad days where I am typing/writing and it looks like I am drunk when I am completely sober. Like, for example, I had a teacher called Kizzy, but I once spelled it like Zikky!

So, if I can get 'past' my 'learning disabilities,' then surely I can get around my 'mental illness'; I just need to figure out ways of getting around it, just like I have with my learning disabilities!

Honestly, guys, finding out that I could possibly be suffering from severe depression felt like I had hit rock bottom. Turns out, that is exactly what I have; it's so bad my doctor thought I had PTSD. Finding out that kind of life-changing information made me feel like even more of failure than I was... The stupid thing was, the signs were apparent since my mum's death... I just chose to ignore them. But one day in work, the one place I thought I was safe from madness, it had finally caught up with me.

A year has gone since then; I've had a lot of professional and medical help regarding my depression. But I won't lie, since Christian left to go back home over a month ago, I went into a massive depression pit that I just couldn't get out of. I had completely isolated myself from everyone that was outside my own home. The only time I would get out of the house was purely for the job center or job interviews, nothing else apart from celebrating my dad's sixtieth birthday. My bad habits that come with my depression came back with a vengeance.

This week was different, though; since Tuesday I have been out of the house every day—I made myself get out! I am better than this illness, I will not allow myself to be defined by this, I will find a way to control it better!

I need to start doing my evening runs, exercise again, or at least go around the park; something every day! Keep those endorphin levels up. I need to get my arse into gear and get my swimming skills better. I finally learned how to swim after putting it off for over 16 years from a near-death experience. But at least I can say I can finally swim after overcoming my fear of deep water; I'm just incredibly weak, but it's a start!

I need to stop being so damn hard on myself all the time, but it is so hard when your mind is so ill. I'm glad no one is able to read my thoughts because they'd go insane... Trying to control the constant itch in my mind that I can't scratch, wanting to cause pain to myself or even end my life... It doesn't even stop when I 'eventually' fall asleep, the thoughts chase me in my nightmares every night...

I admit, I am ill, very mentally ill, and I've got nothing to hide from anyone. What you see is what you get with me, a very caring, considerate individual that's been there, done that and seen it and heard it all. Which is why I am always here for everyone else, friend or foe, and strangers... I never ever want other people to feel the kind of pain I have felt in those situations. I often get questioned by friends, family and even professionals, "How on Earth are you still alive?" And I like to tell them I'm too stubborn to die.

I have other things I would like to change: try and draw once a week. I was hoping the Inktober Challenge would give me the kickstart that I needed, and it somewhat has. I would love to get back into playing the guitar; I have three guitars, which sadly haven't been played in the last year. I believe I would have to start all over again with that, but sadly depression takes away anything you used to find joy in and fills you up with bad emotions and lack of motivation. I have other things I want to change, some things already in motion; I won't know the outcomes of those anytime soon, but I have faith in them.

I will not be labeled by this illness anymore. I am far too stubborn to give up!