Be Yourself

Dealing with depression, bipolar, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) isn't easy. I was only nine years-old when something very traumatizing happened to me, but being so young you don't think of that kind of stuff.

As I got older, I noticed I started to put on this face in front of people. I faked my happiness. I use to act like everything was fine but actually, I wanted to cry all the time. I hated myself, I hated life itself. I blamed myself for everything, but if you saw me I always had a smile on my face.

You would never think I was ever sad or upset about anything, but every day when I came, I would cry my heart out wishing my life would turn around. I would eat until I couldn't eat anymore, hoping I would eat my feelings, or maybe the feelings would go away.

As I became older, everything became worse. I started to exclude myself from the world. I would lash out at my friends and loved ones for nothing. I wanted everyone to feel the way I did, even though it wasn't their fault. There was a couple times suicide came to mind, to make the pain go forever, but I would think about my dad and my brother.

I used to cut myself, I wanted to hurt on the outside, not the inside. No one ever noticed my symptoms when I was younger. My family thought I was just hanging out with the wrong people at school. When my dad saw my cuts, he knew I needed to get some help. I talked to a therapist it actually helped me.

After I had kids, I figured my sadness would go away, so I stopped talking to my therapist. Some days are better than others. Sometimes I sit down in the shower and cry for no reason at all. I get upset over the littlest things, but my husband is my biggest supporter.

Having PTSD, I couldn't listen to certain things. It would make me have flashbacks, and I would get so upset. After fourteen years, I have improved a lot, by talking to a loved one. I blamed myself for many things that I had no control over.

My depression still comes and goes certain things trigger it. I had to do things to keep my mind off of it. That's why I started a new hobby to keep my mind occupied. I start playing with my babies, and their little laugh makes all the sadness go away.

The bipolar is very tricky. I can be so happy one second then the next I'm balling my eyes out. The smallest upset can make my appetite go away, and I don't want to eat for days. I know I have to but all I feel like doing is laying in bed until my body decides to be happy.

Sometimes I think why can't my body be normal? Why can't I just always be happy? Truth is no one is always happy, but talking to someone, a friend, a loved one, anyone helps so much. It feels good to know that someone cares about your problems and willing to listen to you. It shows you that people care.

I'm so happy my husband helps me. To this day, when I'm feeling not so normal. My husband listens to my problems, he helps my feelings and makes the pain so much easier. The depression, bipolar, and PTSD is not anything to play with. Once you have someone to talk to, someone that will actually listen to you helps so much.