Beginning My Struggle with Anxiety

So I want to start off this post by saying that I could not have found this platform at a better time. I have been struggling with anxiety since the end of last year (2018) and I finally went to the doctor this past week to go talk to someone about it. Since I'm only 20 years old, the doctor recommended multiple different ways of coping with my anxiety, rather than prescribing me Xanax or any other drugs. One of the ways she had mentioned was journaling. I kind of just overlooked that option since that has never been something I've been into. But as I was scrolling through Instagram, I came across an ad for this website and I thought that maybe, since I'm (unfortunately) starting this new journey with anxiety, I should try something new to help cope with it. So here it goes... my story of how this crazy distraction in my life came to be...

I work at a bakery. It sounds like a lot of fun, which it is, but it is also very stressful. I'm in a management position at 20 years old and I love my job, but it gets a little ridiculous sometimes. We're always hiring and firing new general managers, which gets a bit hectic. People seem to apply for the job thinking it's just going to be a cute little bakery job, when in reality it's making baking plans, frosting plans, handling 10-plus fundraisers at a time, prepping for holidays, planning events, etc.

In December of 2018, I finally got burnt out. All the stress got to me and that's when my anxiety began. There were two days in particular that I remember having to leave work because of it. Christmas Eve (which is a huge no no) and New Year's Eve. Even though I'm in management, I was being scheduled to frost every single day since we were so understaffed. Frosting during the holiday season is chaos. I've been working at the same bakery for over three years and nothing stresses me out more than frosting during the holidays.

But anyways, long story short, that holiday season messed me up and my anxiety carried over into the New Year. One week, the owner of the bakery told me to take the week off and come back fresh on Friday to go to the event I was scheduled to attend. Well, Friday came along and the anxiety started before I even left my house. I tried calling out (which I normally do not do), and they basically told me if I don't come in they'll be accepting it as my resignation. I understand that not everyone has to deal with anxiety, but here's my problem with this:

1. The owner of the bakery doesn't have to deal with anxiety. Meaning, he doesn't know how I'm feeling, nor does he realize that I physically cannot make myself leave for work.
2. Telling me that I'll lose my job if I don't come into work is only going to make my anxiety worse.
3. It's illegal, at least in the state of Florida, to fire somebody for that reason.

So, as you could probably guess, I told them I wouldn't be coming in and I lost my job that day. My favorite job. I was heartbroken. I was part of their opening team and they just let me go that easily. All because of something that was new to me that I had no control over.

I went almost two months without a job. Luckily, I met up with one of my old managers from the bakery one night and she told me to apply at the restaurant she was now working at. So I applied and got the job as a hostess. Well, that job was very short-lived. I thought my anxiety died along with my bakery career, but it unfortunately had not. I had an anxiety attack while working at the restaurant and that's when I realized that maybe it wasn't something that the bakery strictly was causing.

I won't go on and on about that job because I only worked there for about a month. It's not even worth going into detail about. But I didn't leave without having a plan. So guess what? I went back, and am still currently at the bakery I gave three years of my life to. It was definitely the best decision I've made. I missed all of my coworkers so much, as well as the job itself and all of our regular guests that would come visit us.

I started back at the bakery at the end of March. It is now the end of May and I am struggling with anxiety more than I ever have before. I can't even leave my house without feeling anxious. It has successfully taken over my life. Going to the doctor was my last resort. I didn't want to be put on any medication because I didn't want to rely on something like that. But it got to be too much for me to handle and I went in hopes of finding some relief. To my surprise, the doctor would not prescribe me any medication. All that was given to me was advice on how to handle my anxiety attacks and the suggestion to go see a psychologist, psychiatrist, or a therapist.

So here I am... writing this post that actually ended up being way longer than I thought it would. I was given the week off of work, but told to come in whenever I feel like it. I'm going to try to go tomorrow just for a short shift. I am also going to be seeing a therapist soon to talk everything out and hopefully find a solution to this horrible problem. If you made it to the end of this, thank you. I never thought I would be writing something this long just for fun, but I guess it's good to try new things because I actually enjoyed writing this.

Anxiety is a real thing, and this is my journey to recovery.