Being an Anxious Introvert

Have you ever felt like your on anchor?

Have you ever felt like you are just one of two people inside your body?

Like you have this endless, raging fire burning inside of you that wants to concur the world...but then, something as strong as that fire pulls you down.

Living with anxieties and being and introvert all at once sometimes feels like you are literally going insane. Going back and forth with yourself on simple things, mentally yelling at yourself for mistakes people make everyday. Feeling like everything is your fault. Not wanting to leave the house some days because you feel like you are going to make another mistake. Constantly saying sorry cause you are used to being the problem. Nothing is easy because everything seems complex and complicated AF. You would think there would be loopholes so you could live a seemingly "normal" life (whatever normal means). There is the extrovert side that wants to explore the world and all its wonders and then there is the anxious introvert who wants the opposite. How am I supposed to live to my potential and be the best me I can be if I am holding me back? I have done public speaking and even acted, but as soon as I'm alone I would have a panic attack. Theater has always been my dream but how can I be this amazing individual that everyone sees me as and that I know I can be, if I break down behind closed doors?

Going on dates, hanging out with friends; just about everything social feels like you are giving a personal speech in an amphitheater .....naked. Eyes all on you. Watching your every move. Judging you. Whispering. The funny part is, in actuality these people could care less that you walked into that building; they don't care what you are wearing or what you are doing. You know that you are just another person and that everyone is here to have fun or watch movies, whatever it is you decided to put clothes on for. I believe the biggest issue for me is; I don't care...but I care. I don't care what the next person has to say or think about me but there is a part of me (almost like another person) who brings loud thoughts on that make you second guess your own thoughts. I've agreed to go out (date or with friends), convincing myself that I need this free time despite whatever it is going on with my horrible adulting. I need to put on real people clothes and laugh at someone other than myself. Ok, that part is done. I have spent three hours getting dressed and ignoring my secondary thoughts. I get in the car and make it to the end of the driveway and turn around because my anxious introvert side has come back and she said "NO." WTF, can I live.....can I please.

So now, I'm sitting in the car texting a lie. I want to go out and have fun but I can't bring myself to let myself go. I try to justify why I'm doing this; why I would sit home and have my version of fun than to go out. I tell myself, "You have things going on right now, you can't have real fun if home isn't right." "I will save that money and that gas, it is not that important to go out right now." In the moment, I have literally convinced myself that lying to my friends and turning my phone off was a great decision. It took less time doing that than trying to drag myself out the door.

After numerous times of you canceling and coming up with these sad transparent lies, people get tired of trying to change your mind and just say ok. But what about that guy that approached you at Starbucks and asked for your number, dealt with your slow texting and corny jokes? He doesn't know you and doesn't know that you have anxieties. What is he supposed to believe? He is honestly supposed to believe that you got sick within the past hour? Come on now, give him a little more credit that that. Do you just send him a text that says, "Hey there, I was really looking forward to this date in that beginning of the week when the extrovert side of me was present. She was long overdue for fun and human interaction but now the anxious introvert is back and she just can't handle a date right now. She can't handle sitting across from you smiling at her, asking questions about her life and interests. Of course she wants to tell you about herself and get to know you more, but I would rather eat glass. I don't want to have that awkward moment of silence with you because I don't know what to say. "It's not you, I just can't compromise with myself at the moment." You can't just throw some heavy shit like that on someone right away......so I lie, don't judge me. You begin to think, ok you have been single for quite sometime now; either you are going to have to figure out how to marry yourself or you are going to get a handle on this and do it fast before people just stop trying with you all together.

Lucky for me, I have these persistent friends who literally don't understand what the word "NO" means. If I make plans with them at the beginning of the week, I don't have time to get flakey. Two days into the week I will get a violent yet loving text that simply says; "you're f***ing going, don't try to go missing." Ok, so this is happening....I have to socialize....I CAN DO THIS, I think. The day comes and you are out smiling, laughing and even taking pictures with strangers. You enjoy that feeling of pure happiness. There are no buts, You're happy and your world seems lighter.

Your world is now lighter and you can see that metaphoric path of life a little bit clearer. Was this all I needed? Did I have to take control and experience true happiness in order to kill that dark energy, even if only for today?

The way I have grown to look at this situation is we all have fears and insecurities. No one walking this beautiful green Earth is perfect. We all mess up at some point or another but it's not the end of the world. I believe that if we have any plans to fight the obstacles that life throws at us, we have to learn to fight our demons first. It isn't and easy process. You may feel like you are truly going mad sometimes, but don't stay there. It's ok to be a little crazy sometimes; some of the greatest people are.

You don't have to pull out the big guns all at once when you begin to cut yourself free of your anchor. Get up. Go out. Put yourself around others for a while. Talk to them or don't, the choice is yours. Sit in the park and read a book. Go for a walk. As long as you test your limits a little more each and everyday you will learn to push that dark side so far away you will forget that leech existed.

Have I gotten to the point where I completely free from that darkness? I wish; but I will not beat myself up for something that I don't have full control over. Some days are harder than others. Some days I have to have a pep talk with myself to get out the bed. Like I said, it's not going to be easy but the key is to remember that you aren't alone. There are people who feel the way you do too. No matter what you feel you AREN'T alone. Tell family or friends what you endure, you might be surprised who feels the same way. Those that truly love you will not let you go through this alone, they might even help you find ways to be comfortable in public and help you through stressful situations. You've got this, let your light shine.

Remember; It's ok to not be ok, be perfectly imperfect!