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Being Bipolar

What It's Like Being Me

It's so difficult to explain, doesn't matter how much a person wants to understand you they just don't quite get it. I watched my mom suffer from it, she freaked me out and I would constantly yell at her to take her meds, I always thought that was the answer to everything. Pop one pill and she would go back to functioning like a normal "sane" person.

That's not exactly how it works, I didn't figure this out for myself until I was told I have it as well. It takes more than just meds to be able to function in society. Counseling, exercise, learning how to deal with manic episodes, learning skills to help with depression. There's so much that goes into dealing with being bipolar, there's not just one magic pill that'll help with the mood swings. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming that you just wanna end it completely.

Everyone has ups and downs in life but when you add a mood disorder to the equation everything becomes a bigger task. Imagine being at home in the middle of cleaning and your child spills something and you lose it on them. Complete psychopath, yelling, cursing, throwing things, just completely freaking out and ten minutes later you're crying, telling your kid how sorry you are for going off on them. This is my every day struggle.

I can't control it, there's no stopping these outbursts. I have learned to deal with them and to just avoid certain things. I usually just avoid people when I'm feeling bothered and overwhelmed with emotion. Medication can help if you can find the right pills and dosage but it takes time and lots of counseling. The biggest problem is getting help. You have to go sit in a waiting room full of people, then explain to your doctor how you are basically crazy THEN you have to be referred to a specialist, then they put you on a bunch of different meds to "try it out" and you have to do counseling once or twice a week. All while still trying to keep your psycho mood swings in check and deal with life. Difficult I know!

A lot of people have said it's like a ticking time bomb but that's not true, because once a bomb goes off that's it the explosion is over. With bipolar there's always another bomb, there's always another outburst, and they're always different. You might get mad at your son for spilling milk one day and the next think it's funny. There are days where you want to be out and about having fun and others where you want to stay inside and never leave your bed. One minute you might enjoy reading and the next get so annoyed and never want to read again. There's never an end to the outburst, they always come and half the time you don't even know they're coming.

There have been plenty of times I've been writing, in a good mood and out of nowhere something irritates me and I delete everything I've written and I wont turn my computer on for a few days because I just can't deal. There are days where I wake up and I'm so sad I can't even speak to someone without crying. Being bipolar is one of the most difficult things I've ever had to deal with in life. It's so uncomfortable, I just wanna be normal and deal with life like a normal person.

Life is so much easier when I keep to myself, it's so difficult bringing someone into your life and having to explain this to them. I've had plenty of people tell me to "go see your doctor," "get back on your meds;" nothing is that simple. I wish it was but its not so I'd rather not have anyone close to me for their sake not mine. Being friends with someone who is bipolar is a challenge. You have to be OK with someone going off on you and saying hurtful things and minutes later them saying sorry and they didn't mean any of it. It's hard and it can cause so many problems in a relationship, you have to be willing to accept it or not have them in your life at all.