Being Lost

Even at the age of 15, I have discovered the ins and outs of life. Maybe not the world of adult responsibilities and struggles but human struggles. Real human emotions and mindsets that we all go through, some worse than others.

At the age of five, life is simply just life. You have no knowledge of living life to please others, only yourself. Life is okay, fine, good, just life. You're not entirely sure what life is but you accept it because you've never had to stop and question it. You've never had to live life pleasing others or thinking about the consequences for every one of your tiny actions. How simple it was to be five without realization.

However, ten years down the line and you know fear. You know anxiety. You live with the constant worry about future events which haven't yet or may not even occur. Trying to plan for the future and make everything slot into place perfectly because other people seem to have it all handed to them and you secretly don't want to fall behind. The trouble is, you have no idea how to make the future happen and you can't ask for help because elders will tell you to slow down or they won't get it - (you know they're right) but you can't stop to listen because meanwhile three more people your age have just achieved something huge and been handed a load of attention and of course you need to keep up because life is competition....right ?

The truth is we're hurt. We're not satisfied and we hear a thousand song lyrics, see a million 'inspirational' quotes about finding purpose and see endless Instagram photos captioned with the words "POSITIVITY" but no one has ever taught you how to be satisfied. The quotes are nice and all but they've never once inspired you, you still have no idea what your purpose is or if that's even a real thing and everyone but you seems to have this thing spelt P O S I T I V I T Y.

So you keep going, promising one day it'll all just turn out right just like that. For now, some days are okay, most end with emotional breakdowns over nothing and everything at the same time and occasionally you'll have the odd laugh. You tell yourself to focus on the now, but if you never make a move, will these things you think you want ever happen and are you meant to make it happen? Do people actually find purpose and positivity or is that something they just put in their Instagram captions to make others think they're sorted too?

Life is being alone in the woods. Peaceful and full of beauty but also lonely, dark and confusing. When you get lost, you'll sit with your head in your hands, too scared to look up, open your eyes and face the darkness. Sometimes it's just a case of running and stumbling on the odd branch or rock here or there until you think you've found a clearing, but it's just more pathways. More opportunities or more tricks?

Welcome to the mindset of many of us.

Age 15, confused, trying to sort myself out, enjoying the occasional song, waiting on a future and so lost.