Bipolar, Perseverance, and What You Should Realize

The craziest idea I ever had was that someday I would be a famous actress, attending galas and awards ceremonies, collecting swag bags and hanging with the who’s who of Hollywood. I was the star of the play, two years running. Stage after stage, performance after performance, dressing up to watch The Oscars because I knew that I had to practice my acceptance speech before I got to the real thing. I looked for agents, went to auditions, read books, and memorized monologues. At drama club, I was bigger than life, and everyone in the room knew exactly where I wanted to be; Center stage.

That was when I was 14.

When I was 15, I was going to be a cruise director. I knew the names of every ship on the Norwegian Cruise Line. I knew all of the layouts, the number of floors, the number of bedrooms, each type of suite, each type of pool, every restaurant, the staff to guest ratios, and every port of call. I could identify any cruise line by the smoke stack, and knew exactly what qualifications I would need to move towards my dream. It was who I was meant to be.

When I was 16, I wanted to die.

When I was 17, I was an author, an artist, and a film director.

When I was 18, I was a famous YouTuber.

And so on and so forth. At those ages, a flight of ideas is nothing to be concerned about. People need to explore their options, know the possibilities, learn about themselves and the world, and someday, they might just choose something and get on with it. It seems almost impossible to separate the issue from the standard, but by 26, most people have either found what they want to do, or settled with what they’re going to do. My dad worked on boats. It wasn’t his dream, but it paid well. My step-dad worked in shipping. Not his dream restaurant, but he started and he’s going to finish. My grandpa worked on all sorts of machines, but he liked that.

The year that I was 26, I had several full-time careers. I had also been diagnosed with Bipolar 2, and as a graduate with a masters in Health Psychology, I knew that. for me, this was never really going to end.

I was a writer. I meticulously studied exactly what it would take to publish my first book, earn money, navigate my client-agent relationship, as well as planning out the skeletons of a few novels, including in-depth character analysis and plot outlines. The first 20,000 words are great. The inside of the desk where that binder is hidden tell me so all the time.

I was the CEO of a learning and developmental disability study materials website. I made picture icons to be used for speech, for behavior management, for schedules, and for learning. I made token boards and social stories and page after page after page of educational material for parents and providers. The website was beautifully laid out, well designed, absolutely navigable, and would rival Autism Speaks in its ability to inspire and create change. All it needs is for me to actually upload any of the documents. And, actually, I should probably come up with something more than titles on a lot of them.

I was an actress again! Headshots, resume, webpage, the whole nine. One of the agencies actually invited me to an informational session with potential clients, but I couldn’t make it because I read somewhere that it might cost money to take the classes they required. It's okay, I could make it without them.

Then there’s my actual job. While I love what I do, the reality of it—of being needed, of being responsible, of having to give 100 percent every day and actually being passably good at what I do…I can’t always handle it.

People with Bipolar Disorder have a lot of ideas. Some of them good, some of them horrible, but whatever it is, we do it with all of our heart. At least for a few days. There are studies, including one written by a bunch of Norwegians* that reference how Bipolar people are significantly less likely to be able to follow through with things than “normal” people. I can’t tell you why, but from experience, I can tell you that this is definitely a thing, and it’s most certainly not something that can be avoided, and even more certainly not something we are proud of.

Every day I wonder, what if I had kept making videos when I was a teenager? What if I had stuck with that diet? What if I had chosen rowing over that bad relationship? What if I had stuck with baseball when I was a kid? Going in with the fiery, full-hearted passions that mania often provides, you not only convince yourself you’re good, but sweep others up along with you. Your enthusiasm makes people want to spend time with you, to spend time on you, and every minute of it, you feel like this is finally what you’re meant to do. Maybe this time it’ll work. But what goes up must come down, and inevitably, you just stop. What comes after mania is depression. Depression is often accompanied by apathy. Apathy is the exact opposite of that passion experienced in mania. Suddenly the people who were rooting for you are upset, disappointed, and baffled. Not only is this upsetting for you, but proves your depression right, and the trough continues downwards.

I am bipolar, and not everything I start will be finished. I know that going into anything. It is always in the back of my mind. The mania is just as real as the depression, and although not everyone understands it, doing your best one day can look completely different by the next morning. One day my best is going to the gym, cooking well, doing all of my chores, being enthusiastic at work, drinking enough water, writing a few thousand words, and getting a good night's sleep. The next day, my best is getting out of bed. Sometimes I will quit, and for people with my brain abnormality, that is normal. Even though I know this, I also know that there are things I didn’t quit.

• I am breathing.
• I keep in contact with my mother.
• I am in a healthy, loving, understanding relationship.
• I feed my cat.
• I finished two college degrees, albeit while avoiding getting a “real” job.
• I see my psychiatrist more often than not.
• I have never stopped liking pizza or the color red.
• I have finished several books, video games, movies, and TV shows.
• I am alive.

It may not always seem like much, but those are things I have not quit. If you are reading this, there is at least one thing you have not quit. And, having written this, I can add another thing to the list. So, when you are at your lowest low, try to remember those little things. With bipolar, every breath you take challenges the statistics. If you are alive, you are doing your best.

*Bøen, E., Hummelen, B., Elvsåshagen, T., Boye, B., Andersson, S., Karterud, S., & Malt, U. F. (2015). Different impulsivity profiles in borderline personality disorder and bipolar II disorder. Journal Of Affective Disorders, 170, 104-111.