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I do not recall a time in my life when my emotions were "norma.l" My moods have always ranged from empty, hopeless, isolated to excited, untouchable, and godlike. I couldn't feel pain that I caused to myself or others. I had no remorse, I was apathetic, I couldn't understand others' tribulations. Yet, in the back of my mind, in my soul... I understood others and I was sympathetic to their cries of exhaustion that I was trusted to hear. But I did not care emotionally because of my own internal grief.
I am aware I should be happy when something good comes into my path but my feeling at that time is strikingly indifferent. The feeling of happiness is fleeting just like my emotions in general. The voices I hear are no help in keeping me sane in the membrane. They are more fodder for my abrupt mood swings. Constantly mirroring my emotional state at that time. If I'm depressive they sound like:
"It's alright you feel like this."
"Nobody really cares."
"Just kill everyone."
If I'm manic:
"They are nothing so don't listen."
"You're so unbelievably perfect."
"I am made out of steel."
No wonder I had migraines with no apparent cause or triggers.
Recently, I admitted myself to a mental health facility because of the torment and anguish I received from my hallucinations. I was not on suicide watch, I was on homicidal watch. The voices wanted me to kill my best friend (she is now an ex-bff) because I was trying to explain my mental health issues and it was met with judgement. Her insolence made me full of seething rage and I walked away that same day from our one-sided friendship, never looked back.
The psychotic choir chorused and chorused causing my soul to shatter since I am not a violent person. I called crisis to be committed because the voices will not stop unless I do what I really feel, i.e beat her to death because she was the producer of my rage. Upon arrival at the hospital, they constantly attacked me, stating:
"Shut up! They don't really care."
"You'll lose us and you'll really be alone."
"YOU HAVE SCHIZOPHRENIA AND YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS THEN!!!"
I ignored them realizing they are just an amplification of my own internal emotions and I got the help I desperately needed. Even though I am unmedicated at this time and am struggling to win the fight with my mind, I feel free. I finally know I am not being misdiagnosed or ignored by therapists no matter what the delusions want me to believe! Early-onset bipolar with psychotic features is my full diagnosis since the symptoms began at age 7. My imaginary friends I loved as a child never got the memo to leave when I reached adulthood. They stayed in my head to be my confidants and also to be destructive forces when my mood needed them to be.
However, I am not a product of my disorder anymore. I win.