Psyche logo

Blackness

A Subtle, but Powerful Entity

By Elijah TaylorPublished 5 years ago 4 min read
Like
Source

Ever have one of those days where you feel like you'd be better off dead? Once you have that one day, that thought consumes you. You start to visualize yourself gone from the world and you see the impact, or lack of, that would occur if you did not exist. If you are someone unimportant like me, your existence is not necessarily needed.

Everyday starts out the same way, and ends with my thoughts being confirmed that if I did not exist, the world would not only not notice, but it would also be better off. Of all the people being born, it just had to be me. It could have easily been a doctor or someone who would have discovered the cure for AIDS.

Granted, by that comparison I guess the average Joe is unimportant. I guess I've just been feeling like I don't really have any structure or support. My life was completely different a year ago. I virtually have no friends anymore, except for my stuffed animal, which I haven't had one since I was like six.

I remember my father, his girlfriend, and a group of other family members on his side went to a funeral in New Mexico. After the funeral, another boy my age and I went to the lake and stayed in a hotel. There was a larger man (my uncle's father I believe) who kept getting angry at me because I fell in love with the German Shepard stuffed animal I got from my grandmother; he kept threatening to take it away from me which only made me cling to it even more.

When we went to the water and I had my life-vest on, I strapped Sparky in and kept him close to my chest. After, I hid him underneath my pillow and when I awoke, he was gone; I never got him back. Such a small memory. Looking back on it, now being 22, I realized how fucked up it was. Hating a six year old's behavior that much to sneak into his hotel room while he was sleeping and go under his pillow just to spite him.

From that moment on, I decided to not rely on or trust anyone. I remember hating him and being so filled with rage. My father did nothing, as he agreed with his decision to take away my stuffed animal. My father got upset at me for coloring with a pink crayon because he was worried that I was going to "turn into a little f**got." Little did he know that suppressing that side of me only ended up being more damaging for everyone.

The day I came to terms with it not being a phase I was in seventh grade, and I had a giant crush on this guy Jake. He grabbed me by my shoulders and I tried to jerk away, but he was stronger than I was. From that day forth I realized it wasn't just a phase; the physical touch made me realize how much I craved it. It was such a small moment, but it had such an impact. I start looking back and wonder how many small moments like that helped shape me.

It's a bit ironic, once I came out to my father, he pretended to be okay with it then called me an "abomination" and a "bloodline killer." I started to rebel and tell myself I didn't need his approval for anything, so I focused on relationships to fill the void. Any guy that showed me an ounce of attention I clung to tighter than a leech on its victim. I feel like most of the time I give more than I get in those flirtation-ships; they never progress to the next level because why would they?

If guys get the same benefit from me not being their "boyfriend" than making things official, then why would they? They wouldn't. Relationships are strange to me because I have a life-debt complex; they do one nice thing for me and I feel like I owe them the world. Constantly stuck in the loop of feeling like I'm not good enough has really impacted my life in a negative manner. I practically have to force myself to write anything anymore other than journalling my thoughts. I'm terrified to even go to my therapist's (not that I could even if I wanted to), but she'd probably just tell me something along the lines of, "I told you so."

I'm just left with this blackness inside telling me that I'm not good enough, that nothing I do will ever amount to anything. Thoughts that like used to linger and I would get rid of them by distracting myself with tasks/work. Now that I'm just writing, it feels even worse. I've pushed everyone close away so I don't have any friends that I can have help put my mind at ease. Everything is a mess and the only organizing that I can do is through writing. Which makes it worse, it's like trying to structure my life in a way that is paradise; but unobtainable. It's like looking into a mirror that shows you exactly what you want but you are unable to get it.

Blackness creeps into your dreams, your thoughts, and then it finally consumes you from within. Once that happens, everyone is an enemy: You trust no one, and you hate yourself at levels that you never thought you could conceive. You become your worst nightmare/enemy, every breath you take is heavy and hollow.

An inescapable hell your mind becomes.

depression
Like

About the Creator

Elijah Taylor

I guess I just took the term, "Gay Rights" to a whole other level.

https://www.paypal.me/ETaylor220

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2024 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.