Borderline Personality Disorder

I wake up. My heart feels full with optimism towards the day ahead. My happiness creeps, continuing upwards like the track of a roller-coaster before the big drop. I feel my adrenaline and serotonin rise to the point where I am shaking, manic. I know all it takes is a word, a trigger, a memory and I come crashing down.

The doctors call it Borderline Personality Disorder. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. I started noticing my symptoms when I was 12 years old; at first they thought I had a mix of anxiety and depression, due to my rocky childhood. I did the counselling, the medication, hoping it was a phase of my teen years. That was not the case. As I came into my early adult years, I became impulsive, stubborn, hateful.

For so long I've wondered why no one could understand the depth of my lows or reach the tip of my highs. I tried to escape myself, my feelings. I self-harmed, thought dark suicidal thoughts, smoke weed, partied, did drugs, anything to escape the deep emotions I feel.

My parents and even myself assumed that I would just play the role as the black sheep, the troubled child, the lost soul. I pushed everyone away, in hopes that if they weren't around that it would be less people to cause pain or see me in pain.

Six months ago I met a man, both of us unsuspecting to fall in love as hard as we did. We dated casually, knowing neither of us were in the position in life to be in a healthy relationship. That was until one day we realized we had been sharing the same bed every night for a month straight.

From that point we accepted the fate that we were inseparable. We adjusted to the idea that it was real, the feelings we had for eachother. It started out smooth, adventurous, fun. It was March 5th when he was convicted guilty to assault causing bodily harm. He was put on one year of house arrest.

At that moment I knew the only way we could've made it work was to move in together. I thought we had built up the strength in our relationship to persevere and support eachother through these tough times.

We had moved into to our new place. I was hopeful, excited, at the peak of my rollercoaster feelings. I had looked forward to all the memories that were going to be made in our new little home together. A week into living there my rollercoaster went full throttle. Due to the stress of work, life, and the disorder which I still had no idea I had, my emotions became erratic.

My partner, although on house arrest, was still allowed to work. He decided to take this time and establish his own small business. He needed a partner to provide stability, support, and patience. I was not that partner.

I became depressed, angry, unstable. I was not the partner he deserved. I didn't know what was wrong with me and a big part of me wanted somewhere else to place the blame. I had moments where I was mean and spiteful. I hated myself for it.

He would work long hours, a lot of physical labor. I was unsympathetic to his struggles. All I saw was a partner who wasn't there for me, who couldn't see past my mean words, not realizing they were said out of hurt and loneliness. It wasn't his fault though, it wasn't his job to decode my messages.

It was two weeks ago, my partner came home. I was asleep on the couch, another tactic I used to help me escape the dark emptiness that swallowed me whole. He woke me up this time, looked at me with pure sadness in his beautiful hazel eyes. I knew what his words were before he said them but they still hit me just as hard. " You need help, you need to see a doctor."

I broke right there. I saw in his eyes, just how much my unstable emotions had torn him apart. I loved him more deeply than I knew could be possible and my love destroyed him. I accepted his words, knowing he said them because he cared and loved me as deeply as he could.

Two weeks ago was the hardest moment of my life. Accepting that I was my own worst enemy, acknowledging my suicidal thoughts and how real they became, and having to let go of a partner that loved me so much that he saved me. He loved me enough that he wanted to see me become more than what I was, He did what he could to lift me. I loved him enough to set him free.

Borderline Personality Disorder is very real. Many people will say its all in your head. That part is true but they may not tell you if you let it, then it will ruin your life. It will hurt the people you love most and it will hurt you. If you think you may be struggling with this or any mental illness, please seek help. There is no reason you need to suffer in silence or let it ruin the relationships you hold dear. Save yourself so that you can learn to love right.