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Every mental disorder comes with many side effects. You may have a few or all of them, but either way, you have that problem. Here are some things I noticed about myself that pointed to borderline personality disorder:
- Fear of Abandonment: I’m not talking about just some tiny worry that I’ll be alone. I literally pushed my husband away and created situations that never happened because I was afraid he’d leave me. I started to notice how I was always picking a fight because I wanted to know if he’d leave.
- Mood Swings: Yes, everyone gets the occasional mood swing from time to time, but mine were crazy. I’d be satisfied with life, but all of a sudden crying about how stupid I am. I also couldn’t handle my emotions. Every emotion was taken to the extreme.
- Difficulty in Relationships: As I mentioned before, it was difficult for me to trust anyone or even myself at times. I thought everyone hated me or was judging me on a constant basis. Even my close friends, I worried I wasn’t enough for to the point I’d change who I was to fit it. Trust issues were a huge red flag for me. I couldn’t trust anyone, family or friend. It was like I was isolated from other people.
- Sensitivity & Fear of Rejection: I was constantly worried about being rejected by my peers. I hated asking simple questions to the point I’d get panic attacks. If my husband would tell me something he was upset at me about, I’d immediately cry because again I was sensitive (still am).
- Anger: That speaks for itself, but I had major anger issues. I jumped to conclusions all of the time, but it wasn’t violent behavior. I was just extremely angry. For example: I wouldn’t stop and think when I was upset. I’d just blurt out whatever or cry mad tears over stuff before being rational.
- Lack of Boundaries: I had no boundaries with my personal or business relationships. I let people do whatever they wanted and say whatever they felt to me. I had a problem with saying no. I’m not sure if it’s because I was afraid they’d hate me or what, but I always caved in with everything.
- Impulsive Behavior: I am not really a rule breaker, but I always had sex without a condom knowing it could have consequences. It’s like I wanted to risk getting pregnant or something. I also had problem with impulse spending. I shopped when I shouldn’t have.
- Attention-seeking: I always thought I had to be the center of attention, even though I played it off like I hated it. I wanted people to know who I am and to think highly of me. I always tried to be the best at everything just so people would know me. I even fantasized about getting in a car accident and seeing how many people would care and put me first. It’s definitely strange sounding, but I even thought about my own death and how it would make me more popular.
For years, doctors told me I had severe anxiety, but after years of therapy for the wrong problem, I was finally diagnosed. Some people may even go as far as to think suicidal thoughts. I was fortunate enough to not go through that. My entire life doctors pushed it off as anxiety, but as I got older, some things just didn’t add up. Borderline personality disorder isn’t commonly talked about, but don’t be ashamed. Currently, the only cure is therapy, which I’ve been doing.