Borderline Personality Disorder vs. Relationships

Having borderline personality disorder isn't something that I share often or with many people, mostly because I am afraid of what people will think. People with borderline personality disorder know what I'm talking about when I say we do not take the word "no" easily. Sometimes, I blow things way out of proportion for no reason at all, lash out, and sometimes even black out what I am doing.

Borderline personality disorder ruined my relationship. Five years of constant on and off again with the same person who I hoped would finally see pas the fact that that I am not always going to be a great person because of this.

Now I know I can't let this be an excuse, but in all honestly, it is hard for me to control a lot of the time. For years, I didn't know why I would get so raging mad for no reason. Yes, every toddler has their tantrum moments but eventually grow out of it. I never. I was hospitalised with depression and anxiety and I was finally given a true picture of what was wrong with me. My tantrums, mood swings when I didn't get my way, and all of the pain I caused myself and a lot of people including my family was all because of borderline personality disorder.

This is how it can ruin your life and relationships...

Because I can become very temperamental and not even realise that it is happening. It can cause a great deal of arguments, and if you have a significant other who cannot follow the cliche of "If you can't handle me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best," then they will never understand what is going on in your head when you don't get your way and instead of wanting to talk they argue. Arguing with someone with borderline is just like playing with fire: someone is going to end up getting hurt.

Hurt. That has been my life for years. I fell in love at 15 years old, and most people reading this will say that you don't know what love is at 15, but I did. I met this guy, and on July 14, 2012, I fell in love. The night we met, we became inseparable after that and did everything together. Flash forward a couple of months; he started to distance himself from me, wouldn't hang out or return my texts or calls as he normally did. I was heartbroken. Finally we sat down and had a talk, and I learned something that completely shattered my heart and should have been my first clue to move on from this guy because he wasn't who I thought he was.

I learned that he had gone to a party that I was uncomfortable with him going to, he had met a girl and kissed her, and wanted to try things with her. I didn't give up, I didn't move on. I finally got him back, but we were just considering ourselves friends with benefits and because we were both so young it didn't matter. He let me believe that I took his virginity. I found out almost two years later that was a lie. He had slept with someone I had been insanely jealous of just before we did. Tantrums arose, I was threatening to end my life because I was so devastated.

He then left me for this girl who made him cut me out of my life. I lost my best friend and the boy I loved. I never moved on. I cried every night. I would get so angry I would break things and I couldn't talk to anyone sensibly because I was so mad and infuriated. People were scared to get in relationships with me, understandably. I didn't want them anyways. I wanted the one I loved back.

Getting called psycho, psychotic, crazy, fucked up; I've been called it all, by many people because I would not give up. I felt like I was being torn apart. We finally got back together in May of 2015. He ended things in February of 2016 because we had one little argument which blew up out of proportion and he became so cold towards me. He got back with the girl who wouldn't let him talk to me. July of 2016 we got back together again.

We were happy... or, so I thought. We did everything together, he practically lived with me. We fought less, we talked about how when he was done school and I would have already been working in my diploma for a few years, we would get married and start a family. I don't know what changed, but he left me in February of 2017. He didn't go to my graduation from college; this was when we were still together. He dropped me a week before Valentine's day. Our first Valentine's as an actual couple not just friends with benefits or broken up. We got into an argument; this blew up way beyond what it should have. I threw his clothes out the door into the street, I ran away with nothing but socks on my feet in freezing rain and snow. He did come after me, but only to bring me home and then he left. He broke up with me because I could not control myself.

Yes, I started the argument; it was my own fault because I should know how to control what is wrong with me, but that is easier said then done. When you have borderline personality disorder, it takes over. You feel like you are going to blow up, and then you do with out any warning. I know this is childish, but that is what happens and it's not something I can change. I can try and be a better person, but this is also easier said than done.

I hope one day, I find someone who is going to be able to handle me at my worst, when I slip up and lose my mind. They will be the ones who deserve me at my best.