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"Borderline What?"

A post about personal recovery and how amazing and horrible it is all at once.

I remember being the young pristine age of 16 and I cut drugs out of my social vocabulary and lifestyle. I had a lot of issues at the time and drugs were a very small and very annoying one I could control - so I locked myself in my room aside from school and battled it out... with myself. This only worked provided the horrible bouts of throwing up were kept at bay alongside the shakes and sweats but I did it.

Fast forward two years of trying to find a social worker who could help me, (by help I really meant magically fix me) to no avail, and I went back to my actual doctor. He recommended me for a "high intensity year long DBT program". This program seemed awfully excessive at the time so I hesitated. 

They stripped me of all of my medication at the time (in a controlled environment of course) and I was left to deal with stuff....yknow, the real way. It helped. It truly helped, it was one of the most productive years of my life to date. Fast forward to me being 23 years of age now. I'm out in the world, doing the adulting life thing trying to get the hang of it. I still have huge gaps in my brain as far as coping goes. I still have large problems with impulse control. It's not your fun impulses either. It's borderline rage impulses. Luckily I have a great partner who actually deals with me appropriately, but sometimes I still get sulky and feel like a burden on those I love. This makes my life a bit up and down most of the time and it's really difficult to keep lines of communication open with him. I am a standoffish person when I am stressed out. I deal with things externally but pointed inward, so if my hand meets a wall or my leg sees a razor for me that is relief. However, living with a young child in the picture is slowly lessening my time for sorting things out effectively. This means sure; no walls or razors. The issue is after that, I have no other coping skills to deal. 

I am always trying to communicate how I feel wronged, most of the time I use a visual aid and man does it look weird to my s/o. The thing is, Borderline individuals have a stigma of looking like horrible people. They are not. Being borderline just means I feel the same anger or disappointment or irritability over the same things anyone else would. The intensity is vastly different. It goes both ways, death does not affect me in a way where it would tear someone else to pieces. 

Being Borderline means you are sensitive. Overly sensitive, with the good and bad. I really hope me explaining the few tid-bits I have will show everyone who reads it that hey, y'know it's not something to cringe at when you hear it. It's just like hearing someone broke their leg, or has anxiety, or is illiterate. It's a real thing, and there are real successes in lessening symptoms just like there is a really strong point of rebound symptoms. It's all circumstantial. 

I've now been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder since I was 18 years old, not once have I been hospitalized. Recently I was diagnosed with C-PTSD as well. However, I have dealt with the latter my entire living life and I disregard most labels because you live with what you're dealt and you choose how to conduct yourself, based on what you tend to focus on. If I focus on trauma, I live trauma and I am trauma. If I focus on impulses, I live in impulses and I become my impulses.

That was never taught during DBT. They don't tell you over thinking actually makes things live in the forefront of your thoughts and actions. That was discovered during a really low point in my life recently. 

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"Borderline What?"
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