Breaking Down the Walls

Mental health is abstract. It's unique, yet common and it's everywhere all around us. It's in the people who are successful or average, who are famous or ordinary. It's in those who valiantly refuse to hide it, but it’s also in those who deny it to the world and struggle with it on the inside.

While hard for many who know me to understand, I struggle with my mental health. When I tell people, they don't understand. I smile and joke and laugh when I'm around them. I seem to have my academics together and I'm very outspoken.

These are my coping mechanisms.

The thing is... you can't recover from depression just by being positive. It's the same way you can't recover from anxiety from being calm or from anorexia by eating more. I kept my walls up, keeping me and my secrets in the dark until now. Before, I only let a select few know my story. They know why I am the way I am, why I hold some of my values so close to my heart and why my beliefs remain the way they do. However, starting my new chapter in post-secondary education made me realize just how important it is to be heard, to let people see just how common and detrimental mental illness is and that no matter how much it may seem like it, they are not alone.

So much has happened in my life, and I won't go into the specifics because that is not the purpose of my writing. But these events...they made it hard to stay on the right path, just as much as they formed who I am today. While on the outside, people saw a stubborn bookworm, the inside showed a pessimist, a girl with low self-esteem and standards.

It was hard. I didn't think much of myself, so I let myself get used by other people, whether for academics, social endeavors or even just who I chose to surround myself with. I would say that this was the last time I let myself get stepped all over, and the last time just turned into next time and eventually I didn't know what it felt like to have someone who genuinely cared about me, someone who didn't just want to use me.

I didn't see it then, but this wasn't reality. The truth is I had lots of people who cared for me. My family, my friends, and my teachers. They believed in me when I didn't believe in myself, but in my eyes that wasn't enough.

I constantly felt useless, invisible, worthless, and pathetic. An outsider, an imposter, a freak. I always felt that each time I didn't reach perfection was a disappointment to someone. I felt like a disappointment...I felt like a failure.

My mental health was always hanging in the balance.

There was a period where I contemplated suicide. It wasn't a severe case, where I was planning on acting on it, but it was more of a curiosity. A curiosity of maybe it would solve all my problems. Maybe it could be my way out. Maybe no one will notice I'm gone and it won't hurt anyone. Maybe, just maybe, my lack of existence will be beneficial to others.

I had some unhealthy coping mechanisms at first. I would dig my nails into my skin if I was feeling all the overwhelming emotions at once, and somehow the physical pain would take away from the emotional pain. I would lash out to those around me, or withdraw from society as a whole. I would say mean things, or act recklessly, because in my mind life couldn't get much worse.

I had hit rock bottom.

Eventually, though, I found a healthy way to express my sadness, my despair, my hurt.

I wrote poems.

Poems that were etched out while I was sitting in my room with tears streaming down my face trying to get a hold of the situation. Trying to decipher where I went wrong, why I feel like this and how to make it stop. These works come from the darkest part of me, yet I keep them as a reminder of what I'm fighting against each and every day.

There's a lot more I could say, but all I wanted to make known is that you're not alone, and it's perfectly fine to feel the way you do. There is no mold to fit into to define you as someone who is struggling; your fight is yours alone and no one else has a say in it.

I can say this, though:

Don't let it control you.

I was positive that I wasn't going to make it the next few years to make something of my future, so I didn't do anything. I left my life stagnant and let opportunities fly by without blinking because I thought nothing was worth it if I wasn't going to be around. I was truly waiting for life to end, until one day I realized I had to stop. How I felt wasn't in my control, but maybe I could control what I did with it. And I encourage others to do the same, because while it might feel like it, you're not trapped.

Use my trick:

Turn all the hurt, all the despair, and every ounce of pain you feel and aim it at something positive. Something you're passionate about. Something that fills the gap you feel. For me, it was turning my life around. Taking care of my health, focusing on my schooling. I even joined some mental health groups to raise awareness. There's no such thing as a futile action, every positive thing you do is a step in the right direction, and as long as you feel the difference in yourself, nothing else matters. Don't let people tell you you're not trying hard enough and that you could do so much better. It's your life, and you're the only one who knows how to live it. You're the only one who really knows what you're going through.

I don't share this to raise pity, not for myself or for others who have and are still suffering from something similar. All I ask is for people to understand, and to open their eyes to the bigger picture. I want this to reach as many people as possible; I want those who need inspiration to renew their hope and come back at life with a vigor that it tried taking from them.

I'm always here for anyone to talk to, if you need someone to share your pain with, to give advice, or simply to call a friend. I will always be here, for strangers, friends, or enemies...because I know what it feels like to have no one.

But remember, you cannot heal a lifetime of pain overnight. So be patient with yourself and don't give up. It takes as long as it takes to rebuild yourself, and you have all the time in the world.