Casually Suicidal

Most people, if asked their biggest fear, will list off things like spiders, heights, or drowning. But It's hard to fear things like drowning, when you feel like your drowning every single day of your life. I can't really remember a time when I didn't feel this way. I can almost pinpoint the moment I first thought about killing myself, yet it's almost like my consciousness didn't exist before then. Or maybe my mind has boxed up all of those memories. Wrapped them carefully. Stored them safely under the folds of my mind, so no one could corrupt them. I like to think the second one is the truth. But since the age of 10 suicide seems like the only thing that’s consistently on my mind. The only thing that has stuck by me, through thick and thin. For better and for worse.

Suicide isn't really a point on my map anymore, it’s more just a route I haven't successfully taken yet. It has never been a planned pit stop. Sometimes it's so far off on the map I can barely see it. While others its the only destination no matter what turn I take. Sometimes I just get out of the car all together. I don't really want to end my road trip... but I don't want it to keep going either. So I just sit along the side of the road waiting for someone to show up with gas. I wonder if someone never shows up, am I stuck here for the rest of my life or will I get up and just run. That time hasn’t come yet, so maybe that’s just a worry for another day.

I'm not saying you need to call the ambulance now, or lock me away. I’m fine. Most of the time it's nothing more than a passing thought that hides away for the rest of the day. Most days I can be apart of society just fine. However, it also means I am never really okay. I'm never really better, even if I seem like I am. People can have fun, smile, even laugh but still not feel worth it at the end of the day. Still not see the point in getting out of bed in the morning. Still not be comfortable with the reflection the mirror shows them. Its like a nagging voice that calls out to us, but we wouldn’t really feel like ourselves if it suddenly stopped. The voice is as familiar to me as my own. I fear I would be lost without it.

Like I said, I don’t fear the normal things. I don’t even fear death. At least not in the way most people do. When I go to sleep at night I’m not afraid to close my eyes. I’m not afraid that I might not ever open them again. And yet most mornings I’m relieved to wake up. Relieved to do it all over again. Relieved that I’ve been giving the chance. Never take people for granted, even yourself, because you never truly know what is going on in their head. You never truly know how close to the edge they are. How easily it is to push them off. Honestly, when it comes down to it, they may not want you to know. Or maybe you simply don't want to. Though none of that matters. Because at the end of the day, yes I’m suicidal, and I’m going to be okay. No “buts” about it.

Thank you for reading!

I hope you can find solace in knowing you aren’t alone!