Change

From fetus to geriatric we are constantly changing. We learn to walk, talk, climb, run, and so on. Although we are changing all the time, many of us don’t want it. We get accustomed to our typical, everyday life. We sometimes don’t understand why things happen but starting over new isn’t always a dreadful thing. My brother once told me “Sis, if something isn’t going right, you can only start back over. Don’t let yourself for once think it’s a horrible thing. You can only go positive from here on out.” After that day, I caught myself stumbling through my thoughts. Questions, thoughts, comments, anything and everything was flowing through my brain now and forward. It was if I never heard anything so amazing or uplifting. As I continued thinking, I realized and understood clearly what he was trying to embed in my head. Proceeding from a clean slate would only allow me to remove all negativity. So, if positivity is solely what I’m in search of I’m typically just creating space for it right? As I continued, I also found my self tumbling over thoughts that were hard to swallow. Thoughts that were filled with the darkness of the depression from the negative energy was eating me alive. Demons filling my head with feelings of only uneased pain. The scars as I view my temple only make me aware of the demons I’m fighting. Life must go on though… Looking to the sky, tears in my eyes, praying to the God I claim and the universe that surrounds me. I prayed asking for strength, courage, wisdom, and independence from them. Feelings of loneliness, terrified of the emotions overflowing my body as if I’m an erupting volcano stationed in my hometown. The changes must be made voluntarily or by force, they must be met. My standards have fallen off, but it’s time for the criteria of the people in my life to be raised. The changes I must make can be difficult. Although, with the question in mind “Can I make it, or will it break me?” I didn’t know where to begin… Coming to a which I thought was an understanding of life I broke. Broke completely into pieces. My heart was shattered, and I was no longer praying for the strength I need. I was instead now praying for God to end it all. My life was a mess and the change I needed was now M.I.A. The more I thought of what to do, the more I felt lost. I knew deep down what was necessary. I just couldn’t do it. In the belief that I had already reached my breaking point in life at such a youthful age, I was ready to have it end. I attempt what most call suicide, but what I called a cry for help. I was in search of happiness and with the change that needed filling, I was almost sure it could happen. Post attending all the help I was so-called offered, I decided that it was ME I needed to take care of. Now, most people who, if any, read this, I’m not trying to give the sob story but what I am trying to do is make you all aware that suicidal thoughts creep up on the most unexpected people. You’d never guess I am. I help those in need and brighten those days that have rain. In fact, many people call me for advice, which I love because I been through things and want to help. Acknowledging that I need to step my game up, I started following a few rules. I soon began taking care of me. Step one is PUT YOURSELF ABOVE ALL. Number two is POSITIVE ENERGY RATHER THAN NEGATIVITY. Three will be HAPPINESS COMES WITHIN (except you for you). After coming through with a few rules, I knew it was time to start cutting ties. Eliminate the negative energy in life, whether the people that need to be let go of were blood or not, it was time. If you can cut out the energy draining yours, you will be fine. I lost many friends and I even have family that are done. So, from here on out we must put ourselves above all others. No, this doesn’t me I am better than anyone, it simply means I love, respect, and cherish myself enough to know you are not fit for my life specifically. Some people just come to you to teach you a lesson or show you some things. On the other hand, people come and stay through life. Everything and anything you do in life must be you. Don’t worry about what anyone says. It’s up to you to change your old ways for a better you.