Choosing Life

I feel numb. I've been weaning off of Topamax so my rational mind knows that my serotonin levels are probably all wacky and things will get better. I know that my medication needs to be adjusted, but at times I feel so defeated.

But I've been crying and having suicidal thoughts for almost three days now. I suffer from anxiety and depression, but it's so heightened lately that I'm crawling out of my own skin. I've even cried at commercials on TV that hit me a certain way.

I hate how mental health is brushed aside and not made a priority. I should have been on mediation for years, but I thought that people that needed a pill to make them happy were weak. I just thought if you were going through a difficult time, all you needed to do was toughen up. This is not the case. But sadly I feel like a lot of the world feels this way.

I also feel like my doctors have given up on me. I know I am on a lot of medications (for other illnesses). I do not know what doctor I will be able to see for my depression/anxiety anymore. I am being referred to a psychiatrist. What if they take me off my anxiety medications? What if they start me on a new antidepressant that works worse than the one I am already on? I'm seeing a therapist, and that actually helps. I just do not want to go to someone that will have me examine ink blots.

I don't feel that anyone really cares and the people that I have tried to bring it up to either don't know what to say or don't care enough about me to say anything. My parents practically think I'm joking and weak and I feel weak for feeling like I don't want to fight anymore.

It gets bad and I notice that I do a few common things. I shower less. For me, it is a production taking a shower because I have unrelated medical issues that require me to use a shower chair. I also notice that my room becomes a mess. It's almost like I want my exterior to match how I'm feeling on the inside.

I often have thoughts and wonder who would even care or cry if I did die. Maybe it would be easier on my family. Half of them think that I'm a waste of space, lazy, or a drug addict. I wonder who would come to my wake, what stories other than "she's was always so sick" they would tell. Would my parents' marriage make it? What "friends" would pretend to be sad to get the day off of work. What would my boyfriend do? I feel like he deserves so much better than what I can give. I can't even have kids. I don't want him to feel obligated to a life with me then end up resenting me.

So I sit, I over-analyze every good and bad thing in my life. And I cry. I want a break. I need a break. I wish I could just take a vacation from my body, even for a day. Just be normal. Music helps, but the lyrics cut like knives. Netflix seems so trivial and uninteresting, which is not normal for me.

To be clear, I'm not going to self harm or attempt suicide. I do want to live, I just want to shuffle the deck and get a new hand of cards. Writing this, I don't even know if I want to post this. I'm sorry if this triggers anyone. That is not my intention, and I will remove this if it does. I just need to vent to someone who might sympathize, understand, and not roll their eyes.