Chronic Pain...

Well, I've made it eleven years with "the suicide disease."

I am shocked with how long I have lasted to be honest because it well and truly sucks. I have constant pain 24/7, 365 days a year. Although I admit it isn't the worse situation, it isn't the best. I'm only just hitting 20 years old, so I don't really remember what it feels like to be okay, to be pain free. I imagine it every single day of my life and sometimes it brings me relief but otherwise it makes horrifically depressed. I wanted to make this post to give myself an outlet of annoyance, of anger, and of relief. There are many times in my life, where I haven't felt comfortable to put this out there but tonight with insomnia by my side I do. I can't behave or do things like other people. I have the muscles of a 93-year-old. I struggle with everything, I can't even lie down properly and as horrible as it sounds, I find it hilarious, not because I'm in pain but actually because I am twenty years of age and I can't move with moaning, cracking, or flinching in pain. My body becomes riddled with anxiety when I have a flare up, my limbs sometimes can have a mind of their own and I spasm, which mean my muscle will fully shift my leg away from it's current position. I don’t tend to go out when I’m having a bad day because of two reasons: I can’t walk because of the pain, I would rather not leave and limp or use my wheelchair.

I hope that I can get my confidence up when going out when using my wheelchair and walking sticks, because they are becoming a necessity, and instead of me locking myself in my room, I need to get out! It is a challenge to myself.

Anxiety

Anxiety is a powerful feeling. It almost feels like someone is hugging your chest so tight that you can't breathe, move, or think. For me at first I shut down, I don't want to speak or look at anyone due to fear of being shouted at or questioned. Then I start to panic and rub my hands and wrists, to try and focus and gather myself. Finally I go into full meltdown, slowly feel myself filling with tears, heart rate increasing, heavy breathing and leaving... I take myself out to throw up. It is a side effect of chronic pain but doesn't seem to get easier...ever.

Of course with anxiety comes its best friend, depression. That elephant in the room. Depression is a feeling of overwhelming sadness when doing the upmost simple tasks such as getting out of bed. For me I lost enjoyment in writing, in work and in life. It took a hell of a long time to get back to this, or even getting up the courage to write this. I know a lot of people suffer with depression but I have only met a few within the mental health hospital that have; everyone else acts perfect all the time and it is simply impossible. Surely acting happy the everyday, cannot be good for you stability, surely it would drive you mad.

If you feel that this is too much for you if you cannot deal with your depression, anxiety or chronic pain then take time for yourself and get a doctor's note for a week and take that week for self help. Relax at home with loved ones or have me-time with a face mask and cup of tea. Do things you want to do, what makes you feel good; try and simply fall back in love.