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Compare and Contrast

The Innermost Deep Thoughts

By Kim McGawPublished 6 years ago 2 min read
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I’m no longer present in the moment. My brain wavers between two extremes; remembering the days spent holding onto a life I no longer want and reminiscing on just last week, in a hotel room with the man of my dreams. It was confusing. I was emotionally caught in a storm of depression and pure joy. There was no middle ground.

I could feel the chill of the hospital AC on my skin, the cold linen sheets spread out underneath me as my hospital gown uncomfortably rested up against my body. The nurses on the pediatrics ward were buzzing up and down the halls. You could hear them chatting about office gossip and the sick children in other rooms. I'd been placed in a safe room to avoid hurting myself. Here I sat, my eyes still red and raw from crying. I'd curled myself into a ball, hoping my isolation would last. Maybe if I sat perfectly still, they’d forget I was here. But in a hospital setting, invisibility is near impossible, and the nurse creeps in with a clipboard and a vitals machine. She tells me it's just protocol and to just wait it out while she takes my vitals. She pokes me with small talk about the weather or school, but I'm not listening. After a while, I think she catches on as she stops talking and continues in silence. After some hesitation and kind words, she leaves me to rest. Rolling around in the dark does nothing for me, so I cry until sleep catches up with me.

And then I open my eyes. I'm in his arms on a Sunday morning and I can feel his warm breath on my back. He groggily whispers "Good morning" in my ear and I feel comfort. The sheets are cool, but I'm okay with the chill because his body is warmth against mine. I turn to face him, examining his face in great detail. His brown eyes hold my heart in them, his strong arms pull me into safety. Here, I know I'm okay. This man brings a sense of life back to me I didn't know I still had. I wrap myself so tightly into him, inhaling softly, letting my body melt into his. I don’t worry about what’s next. I don’t worry about the little things. I’m present. I’m here with him in our own moment. I can hear his raspy breath above my chin, his legs just grazing mine. This is home for me. Not the building I live in, not the room I sleep in. Him. He represents everything that is good and pure in the world. I can't help but smile.

Both of these times bring me to tears, but both for different reasons. In that isolating hospital bed, I wanted to give up. I wanted to die. In the hotel room, I was dreaming of my future. You’d think I was telling the story of two very different people, but in actuality, these are very real experiences. Even more, they're only months apart. I think these things happen for a reason. I couldn’t enjoy these good times if I hadn’t seen the lowest of the lows. Even now, as I lay in my own bed and compare these two very different scenarios, I know I can survive. At the end of the day, I still have his brown eyes to get lost in.

depression
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About the Creator

Kim McGaw

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