Contributing Factors of a Wallflower

My mother had me when she was 16 years old. She grew up in Pomona, which if you don’t know is one of the biggest gang towns in California. Right now it is one of the largest human trafficking hubs in the United States. When I was growing up there were always shootings at our house. Drive-by’s and people on our roof. I always had a change of clothes hidden and shoes in case we had to leave the house in a hurry. Being that young and going through things like that, you don’t realize how fucked up it is until you’re a lot older… or until you share stories with people and they look at you like you’re crazy.

My dad was never really in the picture. He was young also and not really gang affiliated… He was more of just a common drug dealer. He started with weed and then meth kind of blew up. He even got his mom into it. There was a rough patch of being around him and his family where drugs surrounded us. My mom got into it for a little while but never as bad as him. He has been in and out of jail my whole life. Actually he’s in jail now. I never put too much thought into him or not having him.

I remember being very young and knowing about sex. I don’t remember from where. I just remember masturbating when I was about 5 years old. I was always a smart kid, but I lack very much in remembering things… I began talking when I was about 9 months. I started kindergarten at 4 and when I was going to advance to the first grade they suggested to my mom that I go to second, but instead of helping me excel, she kept me home for a year. When I went back to school I was able to keep up and I would tutor fifth graders while in second grade. I was bullied a lot in elementary school. I’m sure it had a lot to do with the fact that I was weird and always pissed myself. This was due to suppressed memories of molestation, but who would’ve ever known that? Kids are cruel and I never stood up for myself. I lived with my uncle for a couple of years and I think that’s when it was the worst. I had major issues of abandonment. When he and his wife decided to split my mom came back for me. We moved in with my grandmother who had issues of her own. She was an ex diet pill junkie and started to abuse pain pills. That was fine. I was young and never noticed. When I started going to a school closer to her house, things got better. I really excelled and made a lot of friends.

Then my mother met my step dad. Four years her junior and a complete asshole. He got her pregnant and made us leave my grandma’s house. I never really remember my mom being around until her was. He was an awful tyrant who took advantage of her and cheated. She felt stuck and couldn’t provide for me yet alone another child so she stayed… She’s still with him. When we moved to Ontario things got better still. I met a lot of nice people and excelled in school and sports. When I was in 7th grade I met a boy who was an amazing friend and he ended up getting very sick. He went through open heart surgery and things seemed ok for a while. Then when we were in high school, our freshman year… he passed away. I felt very guilty about this. That year he had asked me to a dance and at the last minute I told him no. He was still so sweet and asked me to go to the mall or just hang out instead but I refused. I had the worst self-esteem and I just never thought someone like him could like me. I pushed everything good away.

I didn’t have a boyfriend until senior year in high school. I was seventeen and only went out with him because I felt bad. He wasn’t very attractive but he was very tall. I lost my virginity to him, and we only dated for about 9 months. Apparently I was too much for him to handle. I was always very jealous and needy. I needed to be reassured always that I was wanted. He couldn’t do that for me and it was a very nasty breakup. After that I still hooked up with him. I felt like he desired me if he slept with me which isn’t the case. I don’t know where it stemmed from but I always confused sex with admiration or love.

After I graduated high school I went pretty wild. I drank heavily and did a lot of drugs. I also slept with a lot of people. I think back now and I’m lucky I never got raped or locked in jail. When I was about 19 I met my daughter’s father. He was an asshole. We dated and I was intrigued because he had a lot of money and cars and drugs. He was very possessive with me. He would drive me to his house and keep me in his room like an object. I would tell him I needed to go home and he would never take me. I would have to call friends to come pick me up. I ended getting pregnant by him which was not at all planned. I didn’t want to keep it. I had never wanted or imagined having children. He made me feel so guilty about having an abortion I ended up keeping the baby… She’s beautiful and ten years old now. Thinking back on how close I was to not having her makes me ball my eyes out. That’s the only good thing he gave me. He became very abusive after my daughter was born. He would tell me no one would want me because I was so young with a child and my body changed so it was gross now. It was an extremely unhealthy relationship.

I ended up finding a meth pipe in a shirt when he was supposed to be watching my daughter and that day I left. I got a restraining order and never looked back. That is still the bravest thing I have ever done.

When my daughter was two I met my fiancé. He was 23 and just divorced… Neither of us knew what we were doing or what we wanted. He was the only man I dated since having my child. I was a horrible mother for a little while. I would go out all the time and drink and do drugs and leave her with my mom, this lasted for about 3 months. One day I just snapped out of it. I went home and got my shit together. I introduced him to my daughter and we’ve been together since. We went through a lot of shit though… Out of respect for him and myself, I won’t mention details but it was bad. We pretty much grew up together and we’re still working on things. I am not sure what I wanted to accomplish by writing this. I just never told my whole story like this and these are the few important things that have shaped my life. When you get it all out on paper like this it doesn’t seem so bad in the grand scheme of things. I also want to convey that even if you think you are at rock bottom and your days seem so dark, don’t ever give up. Keep pushing because things will get better. I suffer from severe depression and anxiety but thinking about how far I have come gives me peace of mind. <3