CPTSD

CPTSD, The Enemy Within...

THE ENEMY REARS ITS UGLY HEAD.

I'm having a bad day...

This isn't a 'give me attention' post, but I feel the need to get it off my chest.

Living with CPTSD is one of the worst things I can think of. "Why?" I hear you cry, because it can strike at any time. Physically, you're fine. But mentally you're cracking, your mind starts making quiet little digs that gradually get louder and louder until it's all you can hear. Normal thoughts are shoved aside as complete nonsense in favour of belittling thoughts that you're not good enough, you're not worth the air you breathe, you're so unwanted that people just don't bother with you unless they want something... And you know, it's your mind, so you believe it. So you shut yourself down, close yourself off, your so-called 'friends' don't want you, so why should you bother with them?

And so begins a vicious cycle of self hate and loneliness and you end up alienating yourself from everyone.

And this is when everyone leaves you; all those who say will be there just forget about you, nobody messages unless they need you for something. You never go out because you have no friends, nobody to make you laugh until you cry, you do cry, just tears of loneliness.

You spend all day in your own company where your mind is your only solace, and well, as I've said, my mind likes to tell me what a worthless excuse for a human I am...

It's not a thing you can snap out of, or get over.

So, maybe, spare a thought for people like me, who have nobody to take them out, nobody to take the stress off them.

CPTSD, unlike PTSD, is caused by prolonged exposure to trauma and abuse.

Symptoms of Trauma:

• Shutting down/zoning out/hyperfocussing/staring into space/disassociation
• Brain fog/autopilot
• Poor memory/memory disturbances/fragmented memories/large blocks in memory
• Poor concentration/forgetfulness/difficulty regulating attention/completing tasks/procrastination
• Trouble sleeping/insomnia/oversleeping/waking through the night/nightmares/night sweats
• Avoidance of people/places/smells which (usually subconsciously) remind sufferer of traumatic experience
• Exaggerated startle response (described as jumpy and on edge)
• Anxiety/depression/OCD/suicidal thoughts/self harm/addictions/eating disorders
• Persistent sense of threat/hyper-vigilance/always thinking the worst/sense of dread
• Fatigue/lethargy/exhaustion/non-restorative sleep/chronic fatigue
• Placing own self-worth externally, e.g. being liked by others, having a good job, belongings, and materials
• Very poor self esteem/self loathing/low confidence/feelings of failure/guilt/shame/self blame/not being good enough
• Social anxiety/feeling vulnerable—seeking out seats on the edges of a room when in public places, e.g. restaurants, and feeling they may trip over or are walking ‘funny’
• Feeling the need to save others
• Sacrificing self for others, then resenting non-reciprocation (whether real or imagined)
• Fantasising about a rescuer
• Sensitive to criticism (often perceived), highly critical/judgmental of themselves and/or others
• A sense of being completely different to other human beings, believing there is something ‘wrong’ with them
• Relationship difficulties, either due to emotions or because of seclusion/self-isolation
• Mistrusting of others/fear of being hurt/rejected/abandoned/loneliness
• Seeking approval and acceptance
• Lack of boundaries
• Ego conflict
• Unsure of identity and who they are, what they like/dislike etc
• Feeling overwhelmed/sense of despair
• Confused and disorganised thinking
• Difficulties perceiving and responding to others/fearful of saying something wrong
• Fear of conflict
• Fear of death and dying young, which can be consuming
• Disproportionate responses—triggered by their trauma (without realising they are experiencing an emotional flashback), reaction reinforces feelings of poor self-esteem and self-loathing
• Self doubt/seeking second opinions/distrustful of own intuition
• Emotional dysregulation—intense (often internalised) emotions, e.g. anger/rage/hurt/easily moved to tears
• Difficulty identifying, understanding and expressing emotions
• Chest pain/dizziness/digestive issues/headaches/palpitations/loss of libido
• Flashbacks/intrusive thoughts and memories/emotional flashbacks
• Susceptible to attracting partners who have narcissistic tendencies