Crack Through the Darkness

It was the first kiss of sunlight over the horizon that kept me from moving that morning. I was curled up in the chair on my balcony, sipping on my coffee. Two sugars, and a little too much cream that morning. My dog, Autumn, paced next to me to let me know she really wanted breakfast. I couldn't, however, seem to draw my eyes away from the sunrise. It had me believing that somehow I could also be blessed by this sunlight and start over. I started knowing that if I stood there long enough the sun would crack through my darkness, shuffle it away into a corner, and I could be something new again.

I suddenly snapped back into reality when my fingers started screaming from the cold. I let Autumn and myself back inside and started my usual morning routine—10 minutes late.

The rest of the morning was mundane, at best. Hair, makeup, teeth, clothes, water for Autumn, windows shut. Did I have my house keys, work keys, bus pass, lighter, smokes, lunch? Yes? Yes!

Wait, I knew I would forget something. Headphones. I always forget those. I ran off back to my bedroom. I quickly caught a glimpse of the time and briefly thought, "Crap, I'm going to be late."

Okay. I was off. I triple checked the windows on my way out, told Autumn I love her and that I'll be back soon.

At this point the sun was halfway over the horizon, looking like a well done oil painting. One that you'd see in a museum where people would stop and stare and ask crazy questions like, "I wonder what the artist meant when they chose that exact shade of purple," as though they've never really seen a sunrise.

The walk to the bus is short, but the whole time I could feel the sun warming my soul and cracking the darkness within. The entire hour ride to work, my soul had time to thaw and I could feel the wonder and optimism swelling inside of me. It was beautiful.

I felt magnificent.

I spent the whole day full of excitement and a renewed sense of life. I felt no doubts. The darkness was completely erased. The "difficult" customers didn't even phase me. For some reason there happened to be a number of them that day, too. More than usual.

6 PM rolled around and my shift was over. I grabbed my belongings from the office, wrote a note for the next manager, and said goodbye to the few people who were still there. I stepped outside and the sun was just a small sliver of light on the opposite side of the horizon. It was dark.

As the rules go, though, just as the sun rises and shuffles the darkness away, it must also set and the darkness crawls back in.

On my way home, the darkness was biting at my heels. Trying to pull me back into its arms. Telling me I could trust it and that it missed me. Whispering all the things it knows will make me crumble and fall.

I pushed,

I ignored,

I told it to stop,

I ran,

I pleaded,

I screamed,

Nothing worked. My excitement of the morning had been completely dissolved. I was back to being nothing.

I dragged myself home and flopped into bed. Autumn curled herself up next to me and nudged her head into my neck. She always knows when the darkness has taken too much of me.

I let her soft breathing drift me off to sleep as I gave up the fight and let the darkness win, once again.