Dark Moments

Am I the only one who went they get sick, no matter what the illness is, their mind turns against them?

Because you are stuck doing nothing but healing, your brain wonders due to not having anything to distract it other than crappy TV or films. And if you have an anxious brain like mine, your brain can go to some dark places.

Boy, the thoughts in my head can be harsh. Everyone knows that when you are sick, you need that time to recover... not my thoughts.

The whole time I was in bed, my thoughts were telling me I was lazy, avoiding responsibilities, and skipping off work.

It didn't end there because these initial thoughts were gateways for over-negative thoughts such as:

Gosh, I'm going to be so behind on all I want/need to. I was going to fail my life. What am I doing with my life? Who do I want to be? Why am I still living at home? Why don't I have a partner yet? What if I'm in the same place next year? What will I do if I still haven't achieved any of my dreams before I die? What if I die tomorrow? What happens when you die? Holy sh*t.

You get the idea.

It turned into a dark situation, because I had no way to hide. No way to run because I didn't have the energy to go away else because I was sick. And that is perfectly fine. I do know that it is okay to be sick. I'm not going to fall behind on life just because I took some time to recover. If anything, I probably was going to fall behind more at life if I didn't take the few days to recover.

The problem is, I put too much pressure on myself, which results in my thoughts being out of control whenever I don't have the energy to monitor them. I allow any harsh thought to enter my mind, let it run wild and create new harsh thoughts, which, once started, won’t stop that easily. Therefore my thoughts having a negative vibe that sends me down a dark hole of emotions with no tea party or white rabbit (brownie points to those who understand me, which I hope is all of you!).

Now that I am recovered and feeling much better, I need to get back on track on monitoring my thoughts. I know this sounds time-consuming and somewhat strange, but it is necessary for people who struggle with overthinking and anxiety problems. By letting my mind control me, I allow myself to fall out love with myself, and start hating myself. My form of self-hatred is looking down on myself and putting too much pressure on myself. I have to start the healing by putting less pressure on myself, and for those who can relate with my situation, this is how I do it:

I replace a negative thought with a positive one such as:

• 'I am so lazy!' becomes 'I am taking my time to refresh and recover.'
• 'Why am I still living at home?' becomes 'This is the best place for me to be financially and spiritually for I'm growing into the person I will be to move out.'
• 'What if I die?' becomes 'Well, I have had a wonderful life so far and will do anything in my power to continue this wonderful life until the day I die to make it worth it.'

It works for me most of the time, but I am not afraid of those dark moments when they don't, because each one of them makes me stronger, better prepared for the growth I need. So, hopefully the more I practice, and the more I grow, the less control my thoughts will have over me.