Dating Someone Who Self-Harms

She takes notes on her skin with a knife—notes on how to feel, notes on how to be normal, notes on how to stop taking bloody notes. She writes in her own language things like, "What is wrong with me?" "Why are you like this?" "You're making this about you again." She believes these words, because how could you deny them when they are being said to you consistently?

Today, I want to talk about being in a relationship with someone who struggles with self-harm. As someone who has struggled with self-harm from the age of 15, I have felt intense shame, guilt, and disgust from it ever since I started. I know that it's not healthy for me to harm myself, and I understand that it's also not socially acceptable. I know that the process is irrational and that the action is not actually fixing anything, but the urges still come up, and I can't always stop them. In the last year and a half, I've only given into these urges three times, and have not used blades for two years. This is an incredible step forward for me in comparison to the 30-40 instances per day that I was dealing with at the height of my harmful tendencies.

First, I would like to start out saying that self-harm is a type of addiction. Anything that someone relies on consistently, something that cannot be gone without, is an addiction. We generally have very negative associations with addiction, and once we label one of our habits as such, we often begin to feel denial and shame—like there is a fundamental character flaw. There's not. It's just an attribute... a reaction to an imbalance. It is difficult to view ourselves objectively enough to see this though.

There are many reasons that my self-harm frequency has declined. First of all, I have been regularly visiting a therapist, which has helped tremendously. I cannot emphasize that enough. There are many tools and tips/tricks to combatting urges that professionals are able to introduce into your daily routine that take ages to figure out on your own (and sometimes we never do figure the simplest tricks out because we are too emotionally devoid/overloaded to concentrate on small details that could potentially deter harmful urges). Another reason for my recovery has been my relationship with my boyfriend. I am currently in my first relationship ever, and I love him tremendously. Before we started dating, he noticed the scars on my body and asked about them. He was genuinely concerned and wanted to listen carefully to my story, which was something that no one else had ever done before. My scars have usually been reacted to with disgust, anger, and comments like "What if your kids see those someday?" or "No one is going to love you with those..." (which is a total lie, by the way).

When we began dating, my boyfriend asked me to promise to him that I would never hurt myself again. I promised that I wouldn't. I knew in my mind that, while I was doing very well in my recovery, I couldn't make that promise with the assurance of actually keeping it. It isn't because I can't keep promises, and it's not because I don't love him enough to keep the promise to him, but it's because, like with any addiction, there are slips —there are relapses, and this is when you need someone supportive in your life to redirect you down a more healing path.

The first time I slipped after I made this promise was a very painful one. I had the choice to tell him, or to not say anything and let it heal without saying a word. I knew that I wanted an honest relationship, so I openly told him about my slip. It was mostly sadness... not so much disappointment, but rather concern. He asked me to promise to him again that I would not hurt myself. It didn't happen again for another six months.

The second time was met with "but you promised." I knew I had promised —that's what made it hurt more this time. I had now promised twice and broken that promise twice. I felt extreme guilt. This time was met with a bit more frustration, but still sincere concern. I promised again. It didn't happen again for yet another six months.

This last time was met with mostly anger. "I'm getting tired of this. You promised you'd stop hurting yourself!" I knew I had promised. I had promised three times. "It just keeps happening and every time, you just keep breaking your promise." These words sting so much. Those of us that struggle with this know very well that we can easily disappoint. He didn't ask me to promise this last time, which felt like a weight was lifted, but he also didn't seem concerned and didn't comfort me or sincerely inquire, which not only added the weight back onto me right away, but also made me feel like he had given up on me. Should I give up on me too?

Here's what can be helpful to your loved one who struggles with self-harm. Remain calm. Be there for your partner when they say that they have urges or triggers—you have the potential to redirect their negative energy away from self destruction. It is likely that if they are coming to you with concern about a trigger that they trust your ability to help steer them away from hurting themselves—please try to do this! Don't ignore them—they're really not asking for attention. Ask them what happened so that you can help them next time something triggers them. Ask them if you can see the injury/if they need some help caring for their wound. Don't make them promise that they won't hurt themselves again—that only adds another layer of pressure and guilt. Comfort them—it hurts on more than just a physical level. Reassure them that you want to work with them to go in the right direction in the future so that they don't have to keep hurting. Learn their triggers and then avoid them! Don't tell them to cover up their scars if they end up getting to a point where they feel safe enough showing them—it is such a personal part of ourselves, and it has taken me years to wear short sleeves in the height of summer around strangers, let alone around friends/family. Don't take their harm as a personal protest against you—it's really not a protest against you. Don't get angry with them... it makes us angry back, and then sometimes we cry and want to hurt ourselves again... which becomes rather cyclical after a while...

Mostly, just ask questions and stay attentive. Accept and love your partner for who they are, where they are in their recovery. Don't give up on your partner. Ask what you can do to help, and be creative with your ways of helping! There's nothing quite like breaking a bad habit by starting a new good habit.