Psyche logo

Dealing with Childhood Sexual Abuse

A Single Blip in My Timeline

By Bri DavisPublished 6 years ago 9 min read
Like

I was watching Steve Wilkos earlier, even though I know it just upsets me when I do. My little one was down for a nap and I wanted to watch something while I finished wrapping Christmas presents. The story was about child molestation—a common theme in the show.

It is already disgusting and disheartening to see those because often the accused fails their lie detector, or they pass but the accuser passes too for not coaching them, meaning someone else is probably molesting them.

But sometimes the accused will have a partner, too many times the partner is the victim's own mother, that stands by them. I have seen men admit to molesting other kids, or watching child porn, and the partner stays with them and I just don’t understand it.

How can you have so much confidence in someone that has either admitted to watching or engaged in child sexual abuse, that you leave your children with, or even go on to have children with them? Even if they’re unlikely to abuse again, or they've served their time, or they’re done the counseling—why would you ever risk the amount of damage they could do to your child?

I am a lucky one. I was sexually abused by one of my brothers when I was a child. We will refer to him as my monster brother. It was the middle of the night, so I didn’t know who it was. I pretended to stay asleep, but I was awake the whole time. I was terrified. I thought of the news story I’d heard before about the girl having a sleepover. Someone comes in the window and cuts both girls’ throats. She survives and walks in the middle of nowhere to a neighbor to call for help. Her friend dies but she somehow lives. I thought any moment I was going to have my throat cut.

When it ended and all was quiet I laid there. Had that really just happened? I sneaked into the hallway—it was clear. I ran to my mom's room and burst through the door. As soon as I saw her I knew I was safe. The instant I told her she believed me. She called the police, she questioned him, my monster brother, and he admitted to it, and she fought in court on my behalf. It wasn’t easy for her. It was already hard enough to have to punish one of her children so severely; to have him locked up. She also had to be the rock that held me up. There would be many more obstacles for her.

She was not supported by many of our family members. She would not allow him to come back home because she would have to have no one under 13 in the house, meaning my youngest brother and I would have to leave.

The people working for my monster brother urged her to put us with other family, or even into foster care, so that he could come home. They reasoned that he was her child and had just been through a lot (with going to jail and having several court hearings).

Our outlying family told her to take him back because he needed her more than ever, obviously. That’s why he was trying to hard to get her attention. They even went so far as to tell her that I should have to be in foster care, like he was, so that I would know how it feels.

Even some of the police involved threatened to arrest her if she didn’t take him home, saying it would be abandonment. She persisted in doing what she thought was right and kept us home with her and put him in the home of a relative until that relative couldn’t handle him anymore and ultimately, putting him into foster care. She saw him daily, celebrated holidays with him, and paid child support on time every month. All the while she parented me and my other three brothers. She was strong for all of us even when she felt like she was falling apart. She is the greatest mother I've ever met and I am so proud of her.

She immediately put me in counseling. She never blamed me. She never made me feel like I had done anything wrong. Every time I would speak with councilors or court people they would always tell me “It wasn’t your fault,” and it used to bother me. I knew it wasn’t my fault. I never asked for this to happen and I never would.

But as I grew I came to realize why they were saying that. Many victims get blamed by the people around them, much like my outlying family tried to do. Luckily for me, my mom blocked me from all of that until I was older and able to deal with the information. She took me seriously from the start and placed blame where it was deserved. I can’t imagine how I would have felt if she had acted any other way. I don’t think I would be alive if I hadn’t had her.

I’ve struggled in life since the incident. I feel guilt that it’s impacted my life so much when there are so many people that experience worse things. There are people are are abused over many years, people that are abused more harshly than I was, people that go to their moms and are told not to say anything. I know I’m lucky and I am so thankful for that.

This one incident has shaped the course of my life. Every year, for about a week around the day that it happened I have terrible nightmares and I don’t sleep well. Sometimes I don’t even realize that it’s that time again until I start having dreams of monsters and pain and I wake up shaking, even a few times wetting the bed out of fear, and my brain screams at me how many years it's been.

I find myself unable to trust. I have a hard time being intimate with people. I have a hard time enjoying sex. Sometimes when my husband kisses me goodbye in the morning I start fighting him because I think I am back there again. He understands. He knows the gist of the story. I’ve never given him the details and he’s never asked.

I am also very protective of my nieces and my own toddler daughter. I am so scared for her future. I am so afraid of what could happen to her. We won’t put her in daycare. I don’t even want to put her in school. She isn’t out of our sight for a moment. She is always held, or she is in a cart, or in her stroller. She is only babysat by family. It’s hard because I worry that I will hold her too close and she will rebel far away from me and into the hands of danger.

I have a relationship with my monster brother now that we are all adults. It’s been over a decade since the event. We aren’t close and we never can be. I never want to be fooled into giving him any kind of trust and I never want my daughter to think she can either. He has many children now and I love them very much. I am a very proud aunt of all my brother’s children. My nieces and nephews make my life a garden.

He spent years doing therapy, growing, becoming educated and finally finding a wife and making a family for himself. I could never date a man that told me he’d sexually assaulted someone, let along bring my own kids around him and continue to have children with him, but she took the chance on him and they are still happy after many years together.

I’ve helped my mom for many years raise his oldest child, made when he was not as stable as he is now. The mother of said child is long gone, doing her own things. He visits her and his house is open to her when she wants to visit him or his wife or their kids. As hard as it’s been to know that he would be around her or alone with her, it’s been safe. It’s weird to explain that I helped raise the child of the man that molested me, but I never saw it like that. I never saw her as a product of him. She was always just her and I treated her like her—proud of her for what she does and disappointment for her mistakes. We never even brought it up or let it be known to her what the history between us was.

I hate that I can never be close to him. A big brother is supposed to be there to protect you. I hate that I will never be able to fully trust him or my sister-in-law that is married to him. I hate that I will never be as close to their kids and I am to other nieces and nephews. I feel like I have been cheated and they have too. I don’t let what he’s done affect how I treat their children. I just don’t go there often so I don’t see them as often, though I’ve started sending cards and letters to my nieces and nephews for holidays and just because to let them know that they are loved.

And I think about it. Sometimes because a man in the grocery store steps too close to my daughter, or stops to tell her she’s cute. Sometimes it’s because I am at a family event with him. Sometimes it’s because I’m trying to punch my husband because I think I’m being attacked because he puts his arm over me in his sleep, but most often it’s because I wake up from a nightmare or shy away from my husband’s advances because sex feels like such a dirty thing.

One you know how horrible and dirty and scary it can be, it’s hard to think of anything but. It’s hard to think that one moment in time, one blip in the history of a life can have such an affect and mess everything up so much.

coping
Like

About the Creator

Bri Davis

Proud wife and mother of one gorgeous daughter (15 months). I have three beautiful cats. Recent hysterectomy. Homemaker. Real.

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2024 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.