Dealing with Trauma

Affecting people in numerous ways, a traumatic event can highlight all mental flaws that might have been easing into your life and leave you incapacitated. It packs you full of emotions, so your normal is an extreme. Maybe you'll end up sleeping ten to 12 hours per night, still feeling drained in need of multiple cups of caffeine just to not crumble, and/or you begin sleeping so little, unable to calm into sleep until into the next day.

I got hit by a car. The event itself wasn't even what triggered me. During, I joked with paramedics, and was very direct with the driver who hit me and the fireman who helped hold up my leg so the bone wouldn't pierce the skin. What triggered me was the extreme vulnerability of having a broken leg and relying on others, and from that, the hit itself began to affect me.

I had already seen others brake bones while I was in school, and I never thought much about it. In my mind they just got to skip PE/Gym class and possibly other classes.

But, here I was, 20 years old, paying for all my expenses and living away from home, I was put on crutches for six weeks, and mentally shaken for way longer. Even now, four years later, I am still recovering, and yes, I still have physical pain, though that's easier to deal with. And, I have two more surgeries minimally in my future. And, for me personally, surgeries are the ultimate act of vulnerability and trusting others, my utmost weakness.

Until June of this year, I was in denial of how much it really affected me in every facet of my life. I even ended up quitting my job last August, clawing my way into freelance to run away from work that I was no longer able to cope with. Before quitting, I would sit at my desk and my eyes would just start watering and I didn't know what I was sad about. When it was slowest was the hardest, as I was forced to busy myself for hours on nothing. I was left with my own thoughts, and time for them. Even as I searched for every article I could find to better myself for the job, and found anything I could organize, I was still left with my buried emotions. Waiting for pages to load for so much of the day for the menial updates I had to do, between design and writing that I could use to runaway, I would slowly sink deeper.

I was suffering from PTSD.

Maybe for one person, being hit by a car wouldn't affect them beyond the nuisance of it. For me, as I have learned, I was already suffering from mental illnesses, leaving me vulnerable to snapping. To be honest with you, I didn't even know what mental illness was beyond notions of multiple personality disorders and delusions. Back in 2009, a doctor suggested I was mentally ill and I took it completely wrong, not knowing what it meant, I thought he was just straight up telling me I was making up what I was feeling: that none of it was real. And no, mental illness isn't just some conjured false sickness used for pity points. I do not wish mental illness on anyone, at any degree beyond the purpose of empathy and not thinking I am a dick (but isn't that just a load of vanity and pride). Because, let's be honest, a mental illness can make the kindest person be the cruelest.

It can be something that in hindsight seems so small to trigger someone into PTSD, thus trauma. But, that doesn't make it any less than it is. Lucky for me, I had a way to start seeing a psychologist, even if I am in a financial panic by month's end. But where would I be without it?

I tried so hard to not need help. But what hit me was when I read a report that said that I would most likely kill myself in five years if I didn't get help. And, I believed it. I was that far. I had already imagined how. All from something that didn't seem that big of a deal in hindsight. I am still trying my best to not feel completely shameful at my own weakness. But, we are all human. We are all vulnerable to that one triggering event. And you should feel no shame of that, you should look for help. Find a counselor, a group, and a psychologist or therapist if you can.

Starting my search for help, I had no concept of what was available to me. And, free at that. I have since gone to a CBT group, anxiety group, and now a psychologist, and I needed all of it, I still do. And yes, four years later. No matter how deep into something you've gotten yourself, there is always a way out. There are people who can help you. For that matter, I would be more than willing to converse with someone if they just needed someone to talk to to ease even the slightest bit of the overwhelm ([email protected]).

• CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy): Looking at how emotions are hard to control, thus looking at how we should change our behaviour to help alleviate some of the emotions.
• Anxiety Group: The AA of anxiety. We had to tell the group about anxiety spikes and how we responded to them and learn how to better handle them.

Conclusion

If you need help, you can search for counselors and there are free ones. They, or receptionists, can guide you to groups that cover different areas of issue, where you can at least get a slight bit more information of what you can do to feel stronger. There are online based, and brick and mortar therapists you can speak to. The online services often allow a much cheaper option when you just need someone. But, ultimately, speak to someone. Talk about it, let yourself write out everything: no emotion is shameful, they are a result and reaction. There are now facebook groups, there is the Mighty, showing real examples to help you understand what you might be facing.

Mental illness is just as valid as a physical illness. You are allowed to seek help, and should. It can get better.